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4 Ridiculous Lessons Learned From Hollywood Romance

We love romantic comedies for many reasons; realism not being one of them. The male lead never has a problem with foot odor, the angelic female character never has to clean the litter box, and no one ever has to pee. While they give us a dose of sugar-coated, butterfly-kissed life, it would be a shame to overlook some of the valuable life lessons the guilty pleasures do teach us. Keep in mind I use the term “valuable” loosely.

1. Don’t make out at an intersection … when it is snowing … and dark … and without a seat belt.
Sounds like a no-brainer, right? Not for adorable, yet endearingly bubble-headed Paige in The Vow. In the film, she makes a pass at her husband Leo as they are idling at a stop sign on a snow-covered road. Admissible. If you are married to Channing Tatum and don’t attempt to jump his bones every moment you are alone, you’re just wasteful and should feel personally responsible for the demise of our planet. However, she seems to think she can seduce him, and … well … complete the act in the time it takes for the road to become clear to turn. If she was accurate in her time assessment, I’m not sure to what kind of tryst she is accustomed.

She unbuckles her seatbelt, apparently demonstrating her commitment to the seduction, which results in the ensuing plot of the movie. Is true love so infallible that amnesia can’t interfere? You be the judge (Big Hint: It’s a Nicholas Sparks book.). All I can say is that if I woke up one day and Channing Tatum told me we were married, I’m not sure I would object.

2. Pretty people are ugly on the inside and vice versa. (Keep in mind Hollywood-ugly is still pretty.)
All things considered, Beastly is not meant to be a romantic comedy. But if and when you watch it, you may think differently. The redeeming quality of this film hails from England, with cheekbones so chiseled they would make Robert Pattinson uncomfortable. His name is Alex Pettyfer, and if you don’t know who he is, don’t tell anyone because they may revoke your girl-card.

The overall message of the film is that Alex, or Kyle in the film, is a jerk because he’s hot. And Vanessa Hudgens is a redeemable human because she’s … ugly? Hmm. To teach Kyle a lesson, Kendra, played by Mary Kate Olsen and also deemed “ugly” for the purposes of the movie, casts a spell on him making him “ugly.” The thing is, his winding tree branch body tattoo doesn’t really scream ugly as much as it screams badass. Basically, who is deciding these ridiculous standards, and how can I make sure I never come in contact with those people? At least not without make-up.

3. If you want to make a jerk into marriage material, just don’t sleep with him.
What’s Your Number? is a film inspired by magazine quizzes that tell you the normal, acceptable way for a woman to live her life is in such a way that makes you feel like it’s just a fun way to learn more about yourself. Ally, played by Anna Faris, gets increasingly anxious about the number of men she has slept with being almost twice the national average of 10.5. She enlists her neighbor, Chris Evans (swoon), to help her track down her exes in an attempt to make one of them work in the long term, and not add more men to her growing list of conquests.

Thing is, Chris, Colin in the film, is hot and therefore a jerk. Colin cannot figure out why she won’t sleep with him casually, and looks for a flaw within her to justify this in his mind. My question is, when has this ignoring method ever worked?

This film seems to dispute everything we’ve been taught by our older, wiser female counterparts (that means you, Mom), that nothing you do can change a jerk. You mean if I just ignored Kevin Plubell in middle school, he would have asked me to go to Fall Fest with him? Funny, because my dad still tells me this to this day, that ignoring a guy drives him over the moon for you … I always just thought that was his way of sabotaging me.

4. If your best friend is with the guy you’ve always had a thing for, sleep with him. Especially if they are engaged.
Something Borrowed is about the most confusing, stomach-lurching premise imaginable. You love this guy. You don’t know how to make the move. So your best friend does it. They get engaged. Done deal, right? In real life, let’s hope so. But in romantic comedy land, love has its own plan and who really cares about friendship and loyalty anyway, right? That’s for ugly, normal people.

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