Being queer is not always about labels or big confessions — sometimes, it’s about the silence, the secrets and the way your heart reacts before your brain can catch up. I’ve always felt like queerness was part of me, long before I even knew what it meant. Overall, each queer experience is a particular and unique journey. This is my story — not of ‘becoming’ queer, but of slowly permitting myself to be.
What is this feeling?
It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment I realized I also liked girls. There wasn’t a single epiphany where I thought, “I’m bisexual.” It felt more like a process — a truth I had always felt, even if it was buried deep inside me. But to finally reach it, I had to dig through a lot of confusion, fear, and self-doubt.
Whenever I talk about this topic, people are usually surprised by how young I was when I came to terms with my sexuality. I was 12 years old when I figured myself out, and 11 when I started questioning why I felt so different from everyone else. But the reason why it all started so early in my life is because, thankfully, I was born into a family where these kinds of subjects weren’t taboo, and the LGBTQIAPN+ community wasn’t treated like a secret. I always knew we existed.
Still, I remember feeling scared every time I was attracted to a girl. It was so confusing — I couldn’t understand why I felt that way about girls if I also felt the same about boys. In my 11-year-old brain, I thought I had to choose one gender. I couldn’t like both; no one else did — or at least, that’s what I believed. On top of that, what would people think of me? Would my friends still want to be around me if they knew I dreamt about girls the same way they did about boys?
I know now, sexuality is not a choice, because for months I tried “only liking boys”. My attraction to women was always there; I just decided to hide it from the rest of the world. “Maybe if I ignore it long enough, it will go away”, I used to repeat to myself. It didn’t.
How media representation became a friend
I kept feeling ashamed of this attraction, which I didn’t know how to process. The urge was so strong that I started searching for everything I could about women loving women (wlw) online. I would never kiss a girl in real life, but how wrong could it be to only watch others doing it, right? This might sound super weird to straight people, but honestly, I was just trying to convince myself that there was nothing wrong with me.
Quickly, the internet became my safe exploration space. On YouTube, I learned all about the LGBTQIAPN+ community, its history, culture, and the meaning behind every single letter. I watched videos about other bisexual people, and for the first time, I felt seen instead of guilty.
In 2018, I went through the canon event for sapphic girls: Hayley Kiyoko’s iconic music video “Girls Like Girls”. I’ll never forget how it felt to watch it for the first time, I was wonderstruck — I vividly remember getting chills all over my body and this burning sensation, like I was ready to explode. I finally found the beauty in my identity.
It didn’t take long before I got completely obsessed with every piece of queer-related media I could find. I didn’t see myself in real life, so I looked for myself on screen — in movies, TV shows, songs, and artists.
Back then, Girl in Red was the most popular lesbian singer making music about sapphic experiences. I was a huge fan, “Girls” and “Bad Idea” were playing in my headphones 24/7.
My Bi-Teenage hood
The best part of accepting my sexuality so early in life is that I had plenty of time to explore my bisexuality throughout my teen years. I recognize how lucky I am for that. Once I felt comfortable in my skin, I found the courage to stop hiding who I was, and I can guarantee you: no fear of judgment can overpower the joy of freedom.
Adolescence is a storm of intense feelings. Everything feels bigger, louder, and harder to handle. I’ve always been a dramatic person, but during my teenage years, especially, my love life felt like a rollercoaster. Sapphic women often say that Women love Women (wlw) relationships (and situationships) can get intense — and they do — but teenage boys can also mess with your head like no one else.
The truth is, I threw myself headfirst into every connection. I fell in and out of love a thousand times, had countless crushes and flings, got hurt, healed… but I never held back. I gave in to my impulses and experimented as much as I could. For me, the most defining part of my teenage years was exploring my bisexuality in every way possible. Looking back, I don’t regret a thing. Every story (even the messy ones), helped me understand who I was becoming. I’m nothing but grateful for all of this.
Coming out of the Closet
The “conventional” path of discovering your sexuality or gender identity is one of questioning, uncovering, and ultimately revealing oneself, then sharing it with everyone around you. But I never really had a big ‘coming out’ moment.
It wasn’t like in the movies — no dramatic speeches or tears. For me, it was more of a slow unfolding. I started telling close friends, one by one, as I felt safe. Some guessed it before I even said a word. I realized I’d have to keep coming out for the rest of my life, whether I made a big announcement or not, so I chose not to do it. And with time, it just became part of who I was, out in the open.
What I see now is that, in my generation, not coming out formally has become more common, and that says a lot about how being LGBTQIA+ is becoming more normalized. Straight people aren’t expected to explain their love lives, partners, or sexuality to their families, so why should gay people be? Our sexuality is an important part of our identity, but it’s not the only thing that defines us.
Neither here nor there: a bisexual experience
As a bisexual person who grew up in a very heteronormative environment, I had to deal with invalidation pretty much all the time. I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard comments like “Everyone’s bi-curious nowadays” or “You don’t even look gay” — usually from guys who would just read me as a confused straight girl looking for attention.
Even within the community, I’d hear things like, “She’s with a guy now? Who is she trying to fool?” about other bi people, or telling me they couldn’t even imagine me dating a boy because it just “didn’t seem like me.” I understand that to non-bisexuals, these comments might seem innocent, but to me, they were deeply hurtful and honestly mean.
I started to constantly question whether I was attracted to both genders, because in my head, every time I was with a boy, people would read me as heterosexual, and every time I was with a girl, they’d read me as an impostor. Likewise, I hated feeling that way.
For a long time, I internalized this “never belonging” feeling — I felt like a guest in both worlds. To be honest, the thought of being “not queer enough” still haunts me. That voice still lingers: insisting I’m not enough of anything to be real, and that I have to keep proving to others that I do like both genders.
But that’s not true, and I know it’s just my insecurities talking. There’s no such thing as “queer enough”, just like there’s no right way of being lesbian, gay, or bisexual. I went through a long process before realizing that being bi isn’t about convincing anyone else — it’s about allowing myself to exist freely. And if I could give one piece of advice for those who still feel “in between”: you don’t owe anyone an explanation for who you love or how you love.
Talking about all of this still isn’t the easiest thing to do. Of course, there’s always some apprehension when openly speaking about my sexuality, because unfortunately, we still live in a world where people hate us simply for being who we are.
But I hope that, somehow, this experience can resonate with someone. Maybe you’re still figuring things out. Maybe you’ve felt alone, or invisible, or not “queer enough.” If that’s the case, I hope you know you’re not the only one. We all deserve the freedom to exist as we are — no explanations, no justifications. And if my story helps even one person feel a little more seen, then sharing it was worth it. <3
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The article above was edited by Beatriz Gatz.
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