When a woman becomes pregnant, the pregnancy period is nine months. First, fertilization of the egg occurs, followed by the formation of the major organs and systems; during the fetal period, the fetus grows and its body dimensions mature; finally, it reaches to the third trimester, when the fetus gains weight, the lungs finish developing, and the baby turns head-down, ready to be born. Some say that it is at this point, from the moment of birth, that a woman can be considered a mother.
Birth through adoption
But what if your child has already been somewhere in the world for years and you just haven’t found them yet? For those who decide to adopt, the process leading up to parenthood is different: it involves submitting documents to the Juvenile Court, an evaluation by a psychologist and social worker to assess the prospective parent’s circumstances, and a mandatory curse. Next, comes the adoption authorization issued by a court order and registration in the National Adoption System. After the first bureaucracy the next step is matching with a child—a phase that can take years, depending on the chosen profile—and the bonding phase. Finally, there is the pre-adoptive placement, or adjustment phase, which lasts at least six months, during which the possible adoptive parents have temporary custody of the child until they finally obtain the permanent one. At this point, the child or adolescent receives a new birth certificate, with the parent’s names and a new ID number, marking the beginning of a new life.
The beginning of the process
Many women share the dream of becoming a mother, but you’ll rarely meet someone who considers adoption even before trying to get pregnant. An art conservator and restorer, Tatiana Russo dos Reis, describes herself as “ahead of the curve”: she always knew she would adopt a child, regardless of gender, ethnicity, or age.
As she herself observes, her case was unusual. In addition to her desire to become a mother through adoption—not as a last resort, but out of a genuine wish that came from her reflections on the situation of children on the waiting list—Tatiana wanted an older child, aged six or older. It was through the My Adoption Process project, run by Acolher (Adoption Support Group in São Paulo), that she attended meetings with others interested in adopting: it was early 2020.
“This course is really great because it brings you back to reality. It addresses topics that are often considered taboo, but which are absolutely necessary. That is, talking about racism, talking about adopting older children, talking about the gap between the idealized image of a child and the real child, and making people realize that children don’t come from Disney. No one goes to the Mickey Mouse shelf and picks up a child. They aren’t “manufactured” for that.”
Tatiana Russo dos Reis- Bianca’s mother
Tatiana mentions that, through this course, she was able to understand her limitations and establish her adoption profile: a step in which prospective parents define the characteristics of the child they want, to help to facilitate the search. In Tatiana’s case, her profile was: just an older girl, of no specific ethnicity.
So, months later, she met Bianca while finishing the course required by the court: at the end of a meeting, the prospective adoptive parents are taken to a room filled with photos and letters from children available for adoption. Among them, Bianca was the one who caught her attention the most: “There was a little photo of Bibi and a letter from her saying she liked playing with dolls and eating pudding. She got stuck in my mind”
The People’s reception
When asked about the reaction of her friends and family, she says: “At first, even before I had Bianca in mind, I had already been talking to them a lot. My parents were worried: ‘You’re going to adopt an older child who will have a lot of life issues and traumas; you’re going to have to work really hard.’ For me, that was never a problem. Regarding race, my father once called me aside to talk and asked if I would adopt a black or white child. I said it would probably be a black child, and he said, ‘Then get ready, because you will have to stand up for that child in the world on her behalf.”- Tatiana believes that if she were going through a biological pregnancy, people’s reactions would be different.
Tatiana also describes the twists and turns she faced on her journey to gain permanent custody of her daughter. With the rise of the pandemic and the lockdown, the process that was already lengthy, took even longer. Early in this period, she moved in with André, her boyfriend, who soon became interested in participating in the adoption process.
“André came to me and said: Look, I’ve been working alongside everything, and I don’t see any reason to not to be part of this process. I’d like to be this girl’s father, too.” Together, they met Bianca at the foster home where she was living. They quickly fell in love with her, and moved forward with the process. During the placement phase, Tatiana contracted COVID-19 and was hospitalized in serious conditions. The process was suspended, and Bianca returned to the foster home temporarily. Fortunately, Tatiana recovered, and in November, she regained temporary custody.
“I think it was funny to see people’s reactions: ‘How is it that you started the pandemic living alone with your cats, single, and ended up two years later with a 15-year-old daughter and married?”, she says with a laugh.
For Tatiana, the realization that she was a mother came from the time they spent together. “It’s more about bonding. From the very beginning, we’ve felt a deep affection, and I think there’s a very strong protective instinct—a desire to take care of that little one, even though he’s already grown up. But then that bond just developed so quickly that I felt like a mother right away” she said. Since this change in their lives is still a recent development, the relation between mother and child grows stronger with each passing day. This is one of the privileges of those who adopt later in life: getting to know the child or teenager story and personality little by little, just as one gets to know a new friend and enters their world.
Reflecting on her experience as a mother, which began six years ago, she speaks of a sense of fulfillment: “It’s been wonderful! Every one of Bibi’s achievements is rewarding. It’s amazing to look back and think about it all”. When adopting an older child, the general perception is that the child comes with a lot of life problems and traumas, but Tatiana prefers to see the progress as a shared victory. She continues: “It’s not an act of selflessness, it’s not charity: it’s love and belief. Adoption should be more normalized, you know?”
How society realizes adoption
When it comes to motherhood through adoption, there is still a great deal of stigma attached to it. In the popular imagination, the act is often viewed as “an act of charity” rather than a legitimate way to start a family. For this reason, discussing the issue is essential to changing society’s perspective.
“People should think of adoption as a natural way to start a family, not just as a second choice. Adoption has always been my first choice. I don’t even know if I can get pregnant or not, since I’ve never tried.”
Tatiana Russo dos Reis
It is essential to celebrate all forms of motherhood, which go far beyond pregnancy. Motherhood through adoption, with its unique characteristics, is just as real as any other. Women who devote themselves to caring for and raising a child experience the same fears, frustrations, joys, and, above all, the same love.
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The article below was edited by Eloá Costa.
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