Keeping and making friends is one of the most important events in adult life, since it is a transition to a busier and full of other responsibilities phase. The events of the beginning of adulthood can make us question why these relationships are the way they are.
The basic answer is that adult friendships are not built on proximity like childhood. It’s all about intention! You have to make a choice to be in a friendship and upkeep that bond. But why exactly is that? And how is it possible to make connections that go beyond physical presence or constant communication?
The transition of age can also be a transition of social circle
When we are young and in structured places, like school, friendships tend to form organically: we’re in the same place, doing the same things, sharing almost the same lifestyle. Relationships basically happen by chance.
We don’t have to think much about how to be friends – we just are, because we’re constantly around each other. But in adulthood, there’s no homeroom or recess. People move cities, change jobs, have families and countless responsibilities. That organic structure is gone and what’s left is a matter of choice!
It becomes a brand new process: a friendship built not on convenience, but on commitment, care, and effort. As mentioned, adult life also brings new responsibilities that can take our time, but among that wave of new stuff, it’s so important to take a step back and look at what and who we already have by our side. Those relationships are part of who we really are.
That means that we have to keep making time for the people we love – even if just through small gestures of brief presence. It’s a way of saying: “I’m still here”, and allowing space for them to say it back.
At the same time, we need to honor the process of building new stages in life. It all becomes a kind of balancing act: we give the time we have, in the ways we can, to the people we want to keep around. And they, in turn, understand our time, effort, and lifestyle — just as we do for them.
The deeper meaning of lifelong friendships
The friendships we make before adulthood carry something sacred. They are often rooted in shared becoming: growing up side by side, witnessing each other’s awkward phases, first heartbreaks, family struggles and unshaped dreams. As adults, you don’t just happen to just be close — you build that closeness, moment by moment, choice by choice.
Our sense of self is partly constructed in relation to others. Childhood and teenage friends are witnesses to earlier versions of ourselves. They anchor us to who we were, and keeping those connections can reinforce a real personal narrative which is vital for emotional stability, especially during periods of change.
To keep childhood or pre-adult friends is not about nostalgia. It’s about preserving a part of yourself that the adult world often silences. When a childhood friend recognizes something deeply familiar in you, it resonates differently — they knew who you were before the world told you who to become.
Why is it harder to make new friends as an adult?
As adulthood arrives, many of us are struck by a terrifying realization: making new friends is suddenly much harder.
There are many factors for this, and most of them are also connected to the same reasons why it is hard to keep old friends. At the end, no matter who you are bonding with or when, every relationship requires effort and emotional responsibility — and friendship is no exception.
Time management, for example, changes depending on the stage of life you’re in. Adults have fewer chances for spontaneous, casual bonding. Building friendships now takes pure effort, planning, and emotional vulnerability. That intentionality is what makes adult friendships harder, but often more meaningful.
When we meet new people later in life, our routines are set. So, not only do we need time to adjust our schedules to include them, but also to cultivate that connection from scratch. Otherwise, these relationships can fall apart even before they turn into something big.
At the same time, it can feel easier to sustain long-standing friendships because those people already know our history. But that can’t eliminate the importance of embracing new connections. Meeting new people who share our current lifestyle can bring meaningful bonds. People come and go — and staying open to new relationships is part of allowing life to keep expanding.
So, during adulthood, offering vulnerability becomes harder. Learning to trust again can feel like learning to walk on a tightrope. We want to share our true selves but we worry about falling. It takes a lot of courage to let someone come a little closer.
So, why and how are these friendships more meaningful?
When you choose a friend as an adult you’re choosing more than someone to hang out — you’re choosing someone to share real life with. Life is busy and time is rare, so even a quick coffee turns into a real catch‑up. A simple message can be a lifesaver on a rough day. Those moments remind you that someone else is holding space for you.
It makes us feel loved and wanted. It lightens the emotional weight of life and, sometimes, gives us hope. Because, in the end, friends are nothing less than the pretty privilege of having a chosen family – a soul who crossed paths with us by chance and stayed with intention.
Opening up to someone when you’ve been hurt isn’t easy. Letting someone hear your doubts or failures can feel terrifying. But when they stay and still believe in you, it reshapes how you see yourself and the world. That’s why adult friendships, though slower to grow, often become the most solid, healing, and lasting ones we have.
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The article above was edited by Isabella Messias.
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