Getting over a breakup can be really hard. When you spend such a significant amount of time with a person and put forth an incredible amount of emotional energy and commitment, it’s easy to get used to being around them so often and to need time to heal when that relationship ends. It’s a loss, and that’s something I think should be acknowledged more.
After my breakup, I thought I was maybe going to be sad for a couple of months and eventually I would meet someone else, and move on. But I ended up just becoming increasingly frustrated with myself about how long it was taking me to get over it. Maybe I didn’t cry every single day, but for a year, bringing him up, talking about my experiences in that relationship, and even hearing someone mention his name felt like a jab to my heart and a pit in my stomach.
“Time can heal all wounds”
is something I heard many times while going through my breakup, and it felt comforting at the time. But as time actually went on, it became less comforting because I just couldn’t. get. over. it. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me, like I had a problem.
There were also times after my breakup that I would need to vent and somebody would say to me, “You really need to get over it, you’re just dwelling on the past.”
There is nobody in the world who can tell you when to get over your experiences.
I said so many times to my friends, “I wish I had never dated him, that way I would still be the person I was before, and I wouldn’t have anything to get over,” and I had that mindset for a long time.
Having that frame of mind of losing bits of the person I used to be, made the loss that much worse. I was not only grieving my relationship, but I was grieving myself.
But as time went on I came to realize, if I had never gone through that experience, I would never be the person I am today.
There is a silver lining
There are so many things I learned about myself coming out of that relationship, all my experiences taught me something new.
1. I learned within myself how I handle heartbreak and the things I need to do for myself in order to heal. I have been able to take this time as a single woman to grow as a person, and to better myself for the next relationship or experience I will embark upon.
2. I learned how to forgive. Holding onto the past made things harder, and once I finally realized that I needed to forgive in order to move on, I was able to find some peace. I found holding a grudge didn’t do me any favours, it just held me back from enjoying life the way I wanted to.
3. They weren’t the one, and once I do find the person I’m meant to be with, it’s going to be so much greater than the relationship I grieved so deeply. I not only grieved the person, but the plans, hopes and dreams I made. Now I can look forward to making new plans with someone else when the time comes.
4. I learned that the things that happen to me don’t have to define who I am. Losses change you, whether they be for better or for worse, but holding onto the person you were before you had that experience, won’t change what happened. However, you can change your mindset about it.
It’s important to have these experiences and we will carry them with us as life goes on, but we can’t let them slow us down forever. Don’t get mad at yourself for not being “over it” today. Everyone grieves relationships differently, it’s not something we can put a timeline on and not something we can pressure others into getting over. Whether it takes you a week, a month, a year, or longer, it’s okay.
Even if you’re over it, it can still hurt from time to time. And that’s okay too.