I took a deep breath, I got comfortable in bed
I fought to keep my eyes open as I kept listening to him speak from my bedside
but I couldn’t.
My breathing steadied and my heartrate slowed down; I closed my eyes and in no time, I fell at sleep.
I drifted off listening to nothing but his raspy voice fading into the background
I wandered off further into slumber, allowing myself to get engulfed into tranquility.
Peacefully I laid there but for a brief moment.
A split second, then I felt the pain.
A pain so excruciating and cruel;
It caused my bones to quiver, and my body to ache
What is causing this torture? I wondered.
How can I escape the torment?
My eyes shot open looking answers, and, in that moment, I saw his face.
I felt his weight pressed up on me, holding me down.
His rawness inside of me stripping me off what I guarded so dearly.
I was stunned.
My brain was screaming in agony, but my body laid there still like a log.
I looked up and I saw his face again, his pleasure-stricken face, enjoying every one second of his actions.
I closed my eyes as they filled up with tears.
“STOP!” I said with all the energy in me
But he did not listen.
“please stop” I pleaded.
But he kept going, paying no attention to my words or to my tears.
“please” I repeatedly whispered as tears rolled down my cheeks
But I had no say; my words were invalid as he gave into his hunger.
Where was the warrior spirit in me now that I needed it?
Where was the outspoken and confident girl I had taught myself to be?
I was a quest and he the conqueror;
I felt defeated…
NO! I was defeated.
He stopped moving and he got off me
I sighed in relief
He got dressed and turned to look at me
His eyes fixated on my face as he uttered the words
“I thought we both wanted this.”
I sat there whimpering as I wiped away my tears
“Fuck, I’m sorry”, he said, “I don’t know what came over me”
As if that’s supposed to make it all okay.
What a pathetic excuse he gave, I thought angrily.
I walked into the washroom, locking the door.
Hugging my fragile self as I sunk down to the floor
He was my friend and he betrayed me in the worst way.
It made no sense that someone I trusted so much was now someone that will forever haunt me.
With these confusing thoughts I cried myself to sleep
where my dreams were filled with horrors of the experience.
Right there and then I had become a victim
But now I am a Survivor – or at least I’m learning to be.
In honour of survivors for #SexualAssaultAwarenessMonth