Spiritual Sundays: Reflections on the Self

By Hafsa Arif

I feel a sense of loneliness, peacefulness, and eeriness when I am alone in my dorm. The stillness and the sound of the heater in the room can bring forth the deepest and sometimes even the darkest thoughts to the surface. As I am writing this, I’m sitting in my room alone with my caramel Macchiato on the side reflecting these past five months – which by the way is A LOT of assessing to do. It was a friend of mine who brought on this latest round of self-reflection and he did it with a seemingly simple question. He asked, “These past four months that you have been here, do you feel like you have accomplished anything at all or improved yourself or even changed for the better?” My mind was completely and utterly blank. It was like being given a math problem without being given any of the formulas and still being expected to submit the correct answer.

The simplicity of this question and the complexity of trying to find the answer brought out the ‘giggles’ and a lot of frustration. I stopped what I was doing and tried to process the question before I answered. I looked back and thought about everything I had done – from the mistakes to the triumphs. Then a harsh and critical reality set in. I felt like I had made no improvements in my life or learned from any of my mistakes these past five months. It felt horrible. I felt like the same girl I was back in high school, who was still afraid to put herself out there, take risks, and simply be the best version of herself.

As I’m writing this article, I still cannot seem to figure out what I want. Maybe you’ve been in this position before, too. Maybe you’ll agree with me when I say that the worst part is feeling like you’re the only one who is facing this uncertainty. Everyone around seems to have everything figured out. They are so sure of themselves and here I am, not even sure if my favourite colours are green and pink. However, I’ve thought about it and although I am still uncertain of whether or not green and pink are my favourite colours and although I still don’t know who I am going to be or what I want do, I have figured out the answer to part of my ‘who am I?’ question. I am the girl on the run. The girl who has run from the norm that existed within her high school, the girl who has run so far north with hopes to accomplish her goals and dreams. With student loans, parental support, and everything else in between, this girl is ready to persevere through University. This girl is simply hoping to find her place through the never-ending classes and lecture halls and is learning everything she can take with her on her journey after university—the journey of finding the perfect career path and accomplishing everything she wants to.

During these last few days, I haven’t yet made my mark or found the answers to the many questions about myself that a lot of people around me already have figured out, but it’s okay. It’s okay because some people are just late bloomers and when the time comes I am sure I will figure everything out and leave my mark. For the many of you also dealing with these terrifying thoughts, know that at one point or another everyone else goes through this as well. You’ll figure it out and in the meantime, the most you can do is shrug it off, smile and WERK IT! :)