This was a difficult piece to write for me. Not only was it hard to share, but it was even more challenging to put into words that made sense. It’s not just your weekly sport, it’s more than that. It’s your obsession, your glory, your weaknesses, your dedication, your entire lifestyle, and above all else, it’s a burning passion that fuels your entire existence. Or, at least that was what mine was for me.
I used to tell myself and others that there would never be a time where I wasn’t utterly and entirely involved in the equestrian world.
Since the days before I could walk on my own two feet, it was everything to me.
Just one year ago it was a six-seven day per week commitment and when I wasn’t at the barn or on the road, I was working on balancing all of life’s other commitments in order to free up even more time up to spend with horses. However, the term “life” is key here, as that’s just what eventually occurred.
Life happened, things got real. I held on to everything I had up until about mid-way through my undergrad. It wasn’t easy, but I managed to make time for everything and anything else on my plate. Eventually though, reality set in and I had a choice to make. The choice? Ultimately, whether I wanted to focus on being a stronger academic and start to engage in “real” work experience while pursuing other passions such as travel, OR, push riding as far as I could while spreading myself a little too thin. Realistically, option one was the most suitable for my previous and current situation, regardless of how much it hurt.
By now, if you’ve even made it to this point, you are probably wondering why I am even sharing this story with you, right?
The reason is that at one point I felt broken. I felt a type of broken I never saw coming and quite honestly, didn’t believe was possible for a human to endure.
I obviously thought I was the only person in the entire world who had ever felt that. But sooner than later I realized that others too had gone through the same pain, the same awakenings to reality that I had and the same sense of feeling so lost. Whatever you may be involved in or what you consider your “passion sport,” becomes a major part of your identity. It becomes who you see yourself as and how you believe others see you. It can be so unusual to lose a piece of who your everyday identity once was. I can tell you honestly that on some days, it feels as though you are faced with reinventing yourself all over again, and that can be extremely challenging.
One of the most extraordinary occurrences throughout this transitioning phase of your life are all the other qualities, characteristics and passions within you which end up revealing themselves.
Saying all of this, I will never claim you won’t still miss it. Infact, I believe you should always miss and remember such a crucial stage of your life. But, the way you will miss it won’t be painful anymore. You’ll reminisce and thank the sport and industry for everything it gave you along the way, everything it taught you and everything you still carry from it day to day. There are several weeks where I find myself applying the valuable lessons my coaches, peers and most importantly what the horses taught me along my way. I have priceless memories chasing so many goals within this sport with the support of my family, and countless road trips with my riding friends and my best friend who happens to double as my dad. You will begin to look at this previous self identity as an important puzzle piece to who you are at this very moment, something worth having even when faced with putting on pause. And PS, life may be short but life is also unpredictable and full of the unimaginable. Who knows, in ten years from now you may be coaching this sport, mentoring athletes or even re living your previous days all over again, one last time.
You never truly leave it behind, and it will never leave you. Trust me, I couldn’t take the crazy horse girl out of me if I even tried.