One year ago on a fateful, spooky, October evening, I suddenly felt inspired to write. This is how the infamous “New Pumpkin Spice Product Ideas that Absolutely No One Needs” article was born. These genius ideas for new impractical pumpkin spice-themed products left readers shocked. Due to an extremely high volume of requests, I have been waiting for the perfect time to continue this series. So as we approach the height of the fall season, what better time could there be?
Pumpkin spice is on every menu board right now. It’s in every advertisement. It’s impossible to walk for two minutes without seeing someone drinking something of the pumpkin spice variety. Pumpkin spice has once again infiltrated our lives. Frankly, I will get major FOMO if I don’t contribute to the yearly craze. So without further ado, here are five new pumpkin spice product ideas that absolutely no one needs. 2023 Edition!
1. No-Sugar Pumpkin Spice Cinnamon Latte Box Dye
When it comes to hair colours, no name is too specific. Not even No-Sugar Pumpkin Spice Cinnamon Latte. This colour would hit a delicate nuance between orange (pumpkin), brown (cinnamon), and nothingness (no-sugar). Perfect for the fall weather. Of course, this product will be sold as box dye. That way, every university student will have the opportunity to panic dye their hair this colour at 2:00 a.m. during finals week!
2. Pumpkin Spice Public Transit Bus
We all need a bit of motivation in our mornings. This goes double for students who live off-campus. Who really wants to spend up to two hours on public transit on a chilly autumn morning? No one. That is, no one unless there happened to be an entire pumpkin spice-themed public transit bus. Passengers will be thrilled to see the all-auburn interior. Regular forms of payment will not be accepted! Get rid of that U-Pass. Only people with pumpkin spice beverages in hand will be allowed to board.
3. Pumpkin Spice Shaker
A more humble idea, the pumpkin spice shaker is… just that. It’s like a salt or pepper shaker. But a thousand times better. And more pumpkin-y. By November of this year, they’ll be on every pub and restaurant table. Rare will be the household without a pumpkin spice shaker decorating the kitchen counter. Get yours today!
4. Pumpkin Spice Themed Season of The Bachelorette
Here, we take the pumpkin spice product pitches to a new height. If you’re going to think big, then think big, right? This is where my idea for a pumpkin spice-themed Bachelorette season comes into play. I’m sure we’re all familiar with the Bachelorette format: one contestant must choose between twenty-five dashing young men. Well, not this year! No, this bachelorette is not looking for a fiancé. Instead, she must choose her favourite pumpkin spice drink out of twenty-five options! Talk about a high-stakes game.
5. Pumpkin Spice All-You-Can-Drink Pass
This final pumpkin spice product idea is not for the faint-hearted. The All-You-Can-Drink Pass is designed only for the most dedicated and addicted pumpkin spice fanatics. The pass allows customers to drink any pumpkin spice beverage at any store. At any time. Lattes, teas, shakes, you name it. The con of this pass is that they would cost five hundred thousand dollars apiece. But look on the bright side: you can skip all the lines!
Well, that officially concludes this year’s edition of useless pumpkin spice product ideas. I hope these ideas have left you feeling inspired and ready to take on the pumpkin spice season. (If any producers are reading this, funding for the Pumpkin Spice Bachelorette is officially open.)
May the pumpkin spice spirit be with you!
Note: I am thrilled to announce that this year’s article uses the term “pumpkin spice” no fewer than 28 times. This takes the lead over last year’s pumpkin spice article, which used the term a measly 23 times.