I had a conversation recently with a friend of mine which really made me think about the way women see themselves everyday. My friend began the conversation by telling me she needed to lose a few pounds. When I told her if she feels like she should lose weight, go for it, my friend was shocked to hear someone speaking truth to her about the taboo subject of someone else’s body.
“Thank you, no one has ever told me that it is okay I want to lose some weight,” she said to me.
Society has policed women’s bodies for centuries and continues to in the modern era. We have been critical of media for their unrealistic standards it holds women’s bodies to and has resulted in both physical and emotional damage.
A study by the U.S. National Institutes of Health’s National Library of Medicine even found body dysmorphia to be lethal: “Individuals with BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) have high rates of suicidal ideation and attempts. The completed suicide rate is preliminary but suggests that the rate of completed suicide in BDD is markedly high.”
In the last decade, there has been a substantial push for the media to stop editing the so-called ‘flaws’ from photos, for fashion brands to be more size inclusive, more racially diverse and to simply just celebrate every woman.
It appears though, at the attempt to reclaim our power and making the conscious choice to love our bodies, we are forced into a corner. Why can we not love our bodies but also want to change them? Why do we have to choose? Why can we not accomplish both?
Eating healthy, engaging in physical activity, of course in moderation are good decisions for both the body and the mind. Yet, the second women say that they want to lose weight, the conversation changes. Instead of encouraging each other, there is just this automatic response that it is unnecessary and there is this immediate concern regarding lack of self-love and an abundance of insecurity.
Perhaps, it is fear. The fear that if we do not refute the comment, we are somehow reaffirming society’s criticisms that they are imperfect. If we do not reply with a slew of compliments, we are indirectly telling our peer that they are too fat or too skinny and should change themselves. It seems like this automated response does the exact opposite of its intended effect.
As opposed to supported, those who confided in us feel a lack of validation. It is this cyclical effect of being shamed into hating our bodies while also being shamed for wanting change, regardless if the intention is based out of autonomous self-love.
Of course, everything is situational. Maybe the person who confided in you really does need to hear positive affirmations. But we also need to consider that maybe they don’t. Maybe they need someone to support them in their desires, whether that is offering to go the gym together, trying out a healthy recipe you saw on a food blog or simply just reassuring them what they want is not wrong.
At the end of the day, we all want the best for those we care about. I think we need to stop conflicting self-improvement with lack of self-love.