Welcome to the first edition of Kiss & Tell with Maya Blumenfeld, a monthly sex and relationships blog that tells it like it is about all things dating, romance, and what we like to do in between! Though I’m not an expert, I’m here as your friendly, sultry confidante-next-door, and I get what you’re going to need to hear. Dating might be one of the most stressful aspects of university life, but with my love and extensive experience for advising the love lives of all those around me, I may just be able to help!
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We’re now two months into the semester, and the chatter of anxious relationship-seekers is as biting as the fall breeze. Texts are being calculatedly left on read, Bumble profiles are being scanned and swiped, and eyes are bulging out of heads bobbing past each other on campus. We’re all looking for something to spice up our lives, but what if that something, in the end, burns us?
To avoid means to miss out on experience, but to experience means to soon find that relationship that hits just right. By leaving yourself out dry, you’re probably missing out on a relationship you desire most, and life is meant to chase those desires, as cheesy as it sounds. Think about any other time you’ve really wanted to do something and actually put yourself in the limelight of doing it — it usually ends up being worth it, no?
So yeah, it’s easier said than done when it comes to putting yourself out there in the dating world, but I’m rooting for you. Most importantly, the one who should be rooting for you is YOU.
To get you closer to that self-support and get as grounded as I can, I’m going to bring up the first step mentioned in any motivational pep speech or pseudo-science self-help book you’ll find that addresses fear towards anything in our lives — because it’s true — and that is being aware of your fear. As my favourite line goes, “Let’s unpack this!” whenever my friends come to me about their dating qualms. Put your fear into words, try to pinpoint where it comes from, and ask yourself what compromises you can make to eventually overcome the fear. The latter of this three-way act (pun intended!) may be most daunting and take the longest to have an answer for, but the more the fear is acknowledged, the easier it is to work through it in the long run.
I know there are varying fears going into relationships, friends-with-benefits situations, and hookups all the same. To give a little boost in deciphering the fear you’re facing, below are some possibilities in connection to the situation you may currently find yourself in. Take the time to recognize where you are on your dating journey and how however you’re feeling could be keeping you from reaching the utmost potential of your romantic and/or sexual desires!
❥ Looking to date for the very first time
The fear of putting yourself out there
An obvious one, but it’s definitely one of the most challenging fears to overcome. Maybe you’ve never been on a single date before or haven’t had your first kiss. Whatever point you’re at, don’t work on anyone’s timeline besides your own. Don’t think that the environment you find yourself in or the experiences people in your circles have had is what should dictate when you start doing those things as well.
When you don’t have a history of dating, the concept of suddenly making plans with semi-strangers to see if chemistry swirls between you is probably bonkers. Really though, the only way to see oh not-so-terrible it is, is by just doing it. I don’t know if this is terrible to say or not but going on dates with people you’re not strongly gung-ho for can act as great practice for when someone you’re incredibly interested in comes along. Play around with dating apps and go in with the expectation that it’s a casual outing with a new friend that you may or may not get along with. And who knows? Maybe one of those online profiles might stick around longer IRL after the first date…
❥ Looking to date after countless TERRIBLE dates
The fear of forever being in a hopeless place
You don’t know what’s wrong, but every one of the dates you’ve gone on recently have been nightmares or even just boring as hell. The date was unbearably rude to the waiter, came wearing a fedora, didn’t know how to keep their hands to themselves, didn’t wash their hands either… a whole mess wrapped up in a cute, little bow — the guise of a sweet-talker over text. Why does this keep happening, you wonder.
Sure, it was funny to tell these horror dating stories at first, but now, you’re frustrated, and these dates are getting you nowhere. The road to meeting the right one feels hopeless. Without them, though, how will you eventually meet that right one?
It’s actually not about the quantity of dates that will lead to your perfect relationship, but where you find your daters. The problem with dating apps is the never-ending faucet of seemingly funny, smart, witty, and beautiful people, but it’s oversaturated nature creates the feeling of the dating pool never being enough or being a perfect fit.
Meeting people through activities based on your common interests, communities you identify with, and overlaps in your social circles can offer you more enriching possibilities for dates. Not only because of the in-person aspect, but the solid familiarity you have with each other as well. Don’t put yourself through any date that makes you feel hopeless in the end, but enjoy dates with people you realistically have an interest in.
❥ Looking to date after a serious, long-term relationship
The fear of starting over, completely
You’re okay with moving on from your last partner. You had a good run and things are over for good, as they should be. It might have taken some time, given the years of memories together, but you’re not mourning its ending any longer.
Now though, you’re stuck in this hazy limbo, a fog that keeps you from seeing the possibilities of new, flourishing relationships in front of you, and all you want to do is fast-forward time and immediately find yourself in the arms of someone new and in the honeymoon phase of a stable relationship. You don’t want to do the whole ritualistic ‘dating around’ and the mediocre ‘meeting for coffee’ a million times. Oh, how easy would it be if we could just skip all these digital age dating dilemmas and have the love of our life coincidentally walk right into ours instead?
Though it doesn’t work that way, no matter how hard we wish it could, it’s okay to have these feelings. You’ve invested so much time and love into a previous relationship—why is the world putting you through the wringer again? While I can’t answer such an existential question, what I can say is you can take time and care to find who you want to see yourself with next. It doesn’t have to be a repetitive, meaningless process, but one that goes slow, and gives you fun experiences for dates with people you actually have started to create some connection with.
❥ Looking to date for a good time, not a long time
The fear of getting attached — or of someone getting attached to you
Maybe you’re done with relationships for a while. You want to take a breather from the putting-another-person-before-yourself thing and independently strut across the dating scene, looking for a simple hookup. Or maybe you want the lesser commitment version of a relationship.
Know that this is more than okay — women have been accustomed to hearing the disapproval of their sexual and romantic choices from the world for far too long, and no matter what gender, you deserve to enjoy sex! Even if it’s outside of the bounds of a monogamous relationship! How crazy is that?!
A common fear surrounding hooking up tends to come from people who are first starting out in this realm of intimacy. They might have been much more comfortable with relationships in the past that they don’t know anything different. In this case, fearing you’ll grow an attachment to who you’re sleeping with is a genuine concern.
In these situationships, communication rises above all else, so by making this a priority, what is established is a kind of agreement between parties, a verbal contract. Make sure everyone knows the boundaries in place, the limitations within the dynamic, and has an overall understanding of what this is and where it ends.
So please, plunge headfirst into the dating pool, free from whatever fear is holding you down, leaving you standing petrified on the diving board. You’ll thank me later!
For my upcoming articles in this Her Campus series, I’d love to hear about your dating concerns straight from the source — YOU! If you have any questions you’d like answered, write them in this anonymous Google form :)