If you asked me at any point throughout my college career what my plans would be post-grad, I would immediately and wholeheartedly tell you I was going to graduate school somewhere in southern California to become a school psychologist.
All psychology majors have had this exact same conversation before – the infamous grad school spiel. The one where you have to explain to the stranger just trying to make harmless small talk about post-grad plans, and that you’ll have to go to grad school and rack up thousands of dollars in student loans to make decent money in a field that you love learning about, all while making the yes, I know I’m in for it face.
Grad school, getting as much research and internship experience as possible, and having more than four years of college before going into a career is absolutely the norm for psych majors, so the first time that a gap year was mentioned to me by my advisor after I told her about my feelings of burnout, I shut it down right away. There was no way I was accomplishing so much academically and professionally just to throw it all away and be years behind my peers who would become professionals before I would. I had a plan and I was sticking to it… right?
My advising meeting ended and during my trek home from Modoc Hall to W 7th St, I decided to call my mom about my advisor’s crazy, out-of-this-world suggestion about the gap year. Sometimes it feels like my mom knows me better than I know myself – she so seamlessly can put my feelings into words even when I don’t even specifically know what I’m feeling. And in that moment, we concluded what I was feeling – lost. Nothing made me feel all the way happy, fulfilled, or myself because my brain was so focused on grad school and what I would have to do for grad school applications – even though I wasn’t even passionate or certain about it all. I wanted so badly to tune into myself, my passions, and my future, but it all felt so out of reach. So, when she agreed with my advisor about just thinking about what a gap year would look like for me, I started to take the idea a bit more seriously.
I am and always have been the biggest over-thinker in the world. I just had to have years of my life planned out before they happened, so feeling not in control of my future and not knowing what my ideal future would look like was really scary for me. All I wanted was for someone who had been in my position and who was just like me to tell me exactly what to do, what steps to take, and to just figure out my entire life for me.
I decided to take the first step in attempting to find myself again, because who even am I without all my big life aspirations I’ve seemed to always be working toward? I went on a solo adventure to Hobby Lobby and picked out my first ever bullet journal and some cute colored pens to go with it and decided that this is the beginning of my mission to find out who I am and what I want.
In Sylvia Plath’s iconic book, “The Bell Jar,” the main character looks up at a fig tree in front of her and describes that on each branch, she saw a different version of what her future could look like – all the routes she could take, all the jobs she could pursue, all the places she could live in – but she couldn’t pick which of these figs she wanted most, so she just sat there starving. Choosing one meant losing all the rest. If this wasn’t the most accurate depiction of my life at that moment, I don’t know what was.
In my bullet journal, I drew up my own fig tree, and on each branch, I did the same. I listed all the different versions of myself I could imagine, from being a school psychologist, to teaching English in Spain, to working an entry-level job at some kind of record label, to being an editor for a magazine in New York, to waitressing at a cute cafe on the beach somewhere. The more I thought about the endless possibilities, the more I realized that I didn’t have to stick to what I thought I knew about myself or what I’d always done. I’ve forever been the type of person to overachieve as much as I could – hold academic excellence, build my resume, have it all together and figured out, and stick by the guidelines of what a successful life is “supposed” to look like, trying to make my friends and family proud of me. It never had felt like a reality to not follow these guidelines, but if this idea of a gap year in the back of my mind was to become a reality, then I would be able to find out for myself through my own experiences, the different interests and facets within me that I didn’t even know existed yet. Tuning into what makes me unapologetically happy, my wants and needs, and easing my thoughts off of school for once made me have a deeper appreciation for the nuances of life and of myself.
Abiding by these guidelines for the 16 years that I’ve been in school so far, has absolutely burnt me out. It feels rewarding putting your all into something for so long, but at the same time, it also drains you. Furthering my education and putting my all into school in a much more grueling way than ever before for three more years – I would have to be more dedicated and passionate about that than anything else I have been in my life. And I just wasn’t. I couldn’t begin to pour my heart into applications, personal statements, acquiring letters of recommendation, and everything else that comes with starting the graduate school journey plus, financing it all if I wasn’t in a place where I absolutely knew that this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life 1000%. Eventually, I will be working a real big-girl job for the rest of my life, and that will be an option for me whether I postpone it for one year, five years, or ten years. I decided that I owed it to myself to stray away from the norm for once in my life and take a little bit of a breather before settling into anything big or life-defining.
Once I finally landed on the decision and admitted to myself and to my family that I would be pursuing a gap year before continuing into any type of master’s program, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and it felt like I could finally breathe. It felt like the world was my oyster and that what was meant for me would eventually find me, just as this decision had found me – that is, up until my friends started their jobs and graduate school acceptances. It was hard for me to not compare the path I chose for myself to those around me, getting their corporate jobs or getting into grad schools, but I had to remind myself that it is an amazing accomplishment for them and they have absolutely earned it. Just because that’s not a part of my path right now doesn’t mean it never will be. I’ll have my time to shine at some point in the future, and when that comes, I hope my friends will celebrate me and my accomplishments in return.
Comparison is often, unfortunately, an extremely big part of senior year of college and the first couple years post-grad. It’s easy to get caught up in who is posting what on LinkedIn or Instagram about their new city, new promotion, new vacation spot, new material goods, etc., and start to think about the “what-ifs” of your own life. Something I have to remind myself when I get caught up in the spiral, is that social media is largely fake – it may look or seem like everyone around you has it all figured out, but remember that you also put the best version of yourself out into the world. We all have things we’re going through or things we’re scared to admit. As much as some of us want to have the next however many years of our lives figured out, we all have to collectively figure things out as they come. We’re all on different paths and there’s not one path that’s more “right” than the other. It’s okay to be upset even after you’ve made the right decision – just because you’re upset doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision, it just means you’re human. Life is as beautiful and interesting as it is because of the different perspectives we all bring to the table, and often, it’s the differences between you and the people in your life that make you love them.
Looking back on it, coming to the conclusion that I would be taking a gap year before grad school was ultimately the outcome of the beginning of a long journey toward self-discovery. I decided to look inward and put myself and my own needs first for once, rather than doing something just because everyone else is doing it or expecting it of me, and it feels really good. My advice for anyone graduating this year and slowly taking baby steps into the daunting “real world” would be to start this journey of self-discovery for yourself as well. It’s so easy to depend on those around you for your own happiness or self-worth, and although friends and family can be a great source of comfort and support, YOU are the only person who can change your mindset on things and decide to lean toward optimism. You are your own home, and you should be your main source of comfort before anyone else. Whatever you decide to do for the next couple years of your life is okay, valid, and will be the right choice for you. The person who you become is exactly who you are supposed to be. There is so much in this life to experience, so many places to see, so many people who you don’t know yet that will love you. You’ll never be in your early twenties, graduating college, having these endless opportunities in the palm of your hands again. Embrace the question mark that is your post-grad era, because as daunting as it can sound, it’s also equally beautiful and exciting.