Learning how to communicate with others and differentiating the way you speak is normally a skill used in professional contexts. Most people think to only apply it in business meetings, resumes, and in positions of leadership. However, when you learn how to approach your personal relationships and situations in a direct way, you’ll find that it makes your life easier. But where do you start?Â
First, the best way to communicate overall is in person. Over text, you miss out on crucial parts of what a conversation requires. You can’t decipher tone, it’s easy to keep things short, and it’s even easier to have miscommunication that can lead to increased conflict.Â
Additionally, it’s important to have a clear idea of what you want to say. When we’re unsure of how to word something, it comes out in ways we might not have intended. Or, you might not get to the point that you wanted to make in the first place. It’s good to have a loose script in your head. Starting sentences with “I feel” , “ I would like”, helps other people know your perspective. It also allows for more vulnerability in the conversation, and allows others to discuss how they feel about the topic you are discussing. Additionally, using “I feel” statements allow for a conversation to deescalate. There isn’t passive aggression, hidden messages, and it shifts the focus away from blaming the other person like a “you” statement would.Â
There are key differences between being direct vs rude. Sometimes one might say “I’m just being honest!”, but honestly without kindness and tact can be uncalled for and mean. It’s the same with choosing how you want a conversation to go. Make sure you are exercising patience and kindness as you make your point. Approach what you want to say with decorum. This means pay attention to your body language, and especially your tone of voice. Sometimes it can be hard not to sound condescending, or angry.
On the other hand, it can also be hard not to back down, erase what you want to say. It feels easier to minimize conflict instead of facing it head on. Try not to use filler words, over-explain your point, or minimize how you feel with phrases like “It’s just that”, “I could be wrong”, “this is stupid, but”. These minimize and make your point passive. When you avoid difficult conversations, awkward situations, or push your boundaries aside, it builds resentment. It snowballs your predicament into a confusing mess that normally is much worse than it seems. Prioritizing in person and open communication effectively combats this.Â
It’s important to note that women are taught to speak indirectly, and minimize their feelings. It can feel hard speaking up for yourself and being assertive when societal norms do not allow you to align with that behavior. When women are known for being direct, at times they can be labeled as “bossy”, “rude” or a “b*tch”. In an interview with Susan Fleming (women-are-bossy-and-men-are-decisive), a specialist in women in leadership, she essentially states that most “negative” communication and leadership traits that are portrayed by women are seen as assets when used by men.Â
It takes courage to fight these stereotypes, and it makes the ability to confront situations even more of a key skill. Direct communication is a skill that takes time and practice. However, it is a skill that builds confidence, strengthens bonds, and enforces healthy boundaries. Keep these tips in mind, and start communicating effectively.