Love is a beautiful thing. Love is in each and every one of us, in the air, constantly permeating the spaces we are in. Even if we don’t notice it, it is very much there.
I have a few friends who are in serious, affectionate relationships with their partners, and you can quite literally see the love radiating between them. It is heartwarming to see your friends experiencing such pure love in our generation because it’s something we all deserve to experience at some point in this lifetime. On the other hand, there are people like myself and friends I know who have been unable to find that connection yet.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not dying to be in a relationship right now, especially not with someone I’m not head over heels for. I’m a big believer that love will come to you when the time is right, so I’m not stressing myself out searching for the one at the moment. I’ve dealt with a number of men who haven’t met the standards I hold for myself and I make it a point to remind myself that I am worth more than what they can offer. Nonetheless, I have been thinking a lot about love in the 21st century quite a bit over the past few months. Recently, my roommate and I had a conversation about how incredibly hard and upsetting it is to find that true, deserving love in our generation- specifically as women.
Let’s start with hook-up culture. As a disclaimer: it is up to every woman to make her own choices in regards to her body and her sex life, and it is up to no one else to judge her for it. However, as we are living in a “hook-up culture” dominant society, it is important to recognize when this culture can become toxic. Here is what I have observed in my college experience that makes me critical of hook-up culture.
I’m a 19-year-old student in my second year, and I became aware of hook-up culture during my first year at Cal Poly. I’m sure it is prominent in high school as well, but I think one’s awareness of this culture can depend on where you are from and what gossip reaches you in your little high school bubble. Therefore, it totally makes sense to be introduced to hook-up culture right when you get to college. College is like a new sort of freedom. You don’t have to ask your parents’ permission to go places (especially not at one in the morning when that boy in your dorms is texting you that his roommates are gone). You are finally gaining some sense of independence, and you’re surrounded by a completely new crowd of people, reinvention is at your fingertips. College also becomes a huge opportunity to get to know yourself sexually, experimenting with different levels of intimacy comes into play, leading to some potentially shitty one-night-stands.
The main reason I don’t love hook-up culture is because it makes women specifically seem and feel like they are somewhat disposable. This concept can totally apply to men too- it just seems to be more common in women. It goes hand in hand with almost teaching us to settle for the lowest possible effort we could receive, essentially deprecating women’s respect for themselves.
Picture it.
Picture it: you get a text from this guy you’ve always thought is really cute, but it’s the classic “U up?” past 11 pm on a Friday. Tinder WAS the first place you interacted with him, so you brush it off as nothing more is expected. You know what he’s probably looking for, but you think, maybe he actually likes me. You shower, do your makeup, put a cute little set on, and walk over. You guys hook up, and in waiting for him to tell you to stay or that he likes you, he finally finds the pathetic voice to tell you to leave because he has practice early in the morning (he probably doesn’t). You walk back to your dorm in the freezing cold at 2 am, waiting for another text, but never hear from him again. Thankfully though, you then somehow run into him every single day after that on campus and exchange that awkward glance across the UU, or if you’re lucky- a head nod.
The majority of the time, instances like this can be pretty toxic. Now, there are 100% some people who are able to endure this scenario with zero feelings attached. However, from my experience and my knowledge from others, there’s usually at least one person involved who catches feelings or gets attached (rightfully so), and gets hurt as a result. The solution to those problems is to probably delete Tinder if you’re not looking for a temporary hook-up with some douchebag down the street and to be very upfront with the other person beforehand making sure you’re both on the same page. Be very confident in whether or not you can or want to participate in a temporary hook-up that will most likely turn into nothing more. It’ll save some future tears.
The dreaded SITUATIONSHIP. Do not even get me started. I’ve heard this term a lot on TikTok and other social media a lot over the past couple of years, but I’ve never actually been in one until recently. I’m pretty self-aware and one thing I know about myself is that I am a relationship girl, not a situationship girl. The name even sounds a little ridiculous. Here’s the thing, a lot of people LOVE being in a little situationship to spice up their day. And that’s fine, to each their own. But situationships can get harmful relatively quickly, however exciting they may seem. It starts as a hook-up, then turns into this weird sort of middle ground between friends and dating where you act and feel like a girlfriend but rarely get the title. So you ask if you guys should put labels on it and the answer is, “Let’s just keep what we have going. I don’t want to ruin this by putting pressure on it with labels.” Along with the unspoken: “Plus, I’m afraid of commitment and want to be able to fool around with other girls behind your back but not feel guilty about it because we aren’t actually together. Oh, but you also aren’t allowed to get with anyone else while we’re doing this.” WHAT??? The audacity of men has always been crazy, but hook-up culture and the prevalence of situationships allow further outlets for them to take advantage of situations and feelings and still walk away unphased. I guess I just don’t understand. Why treat someone exactly like a girlfriend to then freak out over a label? The label is literally the only thing changing about the relationship. I recently ended my “situationship” because personally, I am one to get attached to a man who treats me like his girlfriend. Therefore, when I became aware of his “commitment issues” I quickly told myself I had to end things before I got hurt when I realized it would likely never turn into a real relationship.
As young adults in 2023, we also have to deal with the consequences of social media. In almost every realm, social media is toxic. That has been a known thing, but obviously, it doesn’t stop any of us from being involved in at least one platform. I would say as of recently, TikTok has become the most popular social media platform by far. I don’t even want to check how high my screen time on my phone is, and it’s probably because I’m scrolling on TikTok for a solid part of my day (I just gave myself the ick thinking about how much time I’m on it…now I have a new New Year’s Resolution I guess). It takes probably four swipes before I come across a TikTok of a man posting some nasty video about him making fun of the girl he’s talking to because she has no clue he is playing her. I’ve seen men holding girls to the body standards of unrealistic supermodels and sex symbols while also shaming women when they indulge in fashion trends or celebrate their own sexuality. I also see quite a few videos implying that the only reason they are even semi-nice to a girl is to get with them, with the intention of leaving immediately after. Other TikToks posted by both men and women reference exactly what I’m writing about now, how difficult it is to find love. The craziest part- almost all of the TikToks that fall into these categories were found reposted by my peers from high school and college.
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRcqKU1f/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRcqwdHE/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRcbJKcu/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRcqvSKC/
These videos are EVERYWHERE, and they’re filled with comments like:
- “Sport fishing, catch and release.”
- “Have 10 girls thinking ima give them a relationship”
- “This why ‘still hit tho’ is undefeated”
- “I remember walking a girl out to her car and blocking her on the walk”
Recently there has even been a Twitter thread that has become popular among men who hate their girlfriends. It includes but is not limited to tweets like: “When you keep messing up on purpose so that she can break up with you and she keeps forgiving you”, “You’ll be having a bad day and when she hugs you it becomes even worse”, and “When you’re wondering why you’re have such a peaceful day and it turns out she’s giving you the silent treatment”. I want to say the thread is disgusting, but the word that seems to outshine that is “heartbreaking”. When women see tweets like this that men are making about their unknowing partner, it is HEARTBREAKING. In turn, it instills a fear inside of women to even try to become romantically involved with men. The comments are filled with women not only horrified by the completely inappropriate behavior, but relating to now having their guards up and almost giving up on love. One that stuck out to me was, “Every time I feel like I’m catching feelings I’m bookmarking this just to come back and remind myself that I’m making a big mistake.” Social media allows this vicious cycle of men talking down on women, partner or not, and in return, women settling for way less than they deserve, or not allowing a man into her life at all.
Women contribute to this harmful mindset too. There are posts about leaving him on delivered/read for a certain amount of time so he likes her more, getting with his friend to make him jealous, etc. Now, I am going to admit that I’m being a bit hypocritical because I do catch myself reposting videos like that. On the surface, some of them are just light-hearted videos that other women can relate to, a little ha-ha while I’m scrolling aimlessly. On a deeper level, it’s creating this lack of real love in our generation. We shouldn’t have to be actively playing games with this person that we like. We should be able to show affection and respond quickly and make it clear we want to see them because we like them! I don’t know when this weird switch occurred to where some guy will only like me if I act uninterested. Love is so special and people should want to show that to one another.
Regardless of everything I just wrote about, I want readers to understand they should feel no sort of shame for participating in hook-up culture or having a situationship or being involved on social media. I would just like for our society to recognize the flaws in love and relationships now. I’m also bitter that I haven’t (and might not) get to experience that old-fashioned ask-for-your-phone-number-in-person walk-up-to-the-front-door bringing-you-flowers taking-you-on-a-real-date kind of love. So there’s that too. My main message in all of this is for women to recognize their worth and not lower their expectations or needs for some douche that just wants to get in your pants. Do what you know is best for you and the right kind of love will come along.