I first started experiencing symptoms of OCD when I was thirteen and became convinced that I would die of brain cancer by the time I got to college. That was the obsession. The compulsions were constant googling. I would use my parents’ computer and frantically look up statistics regarding cancer. Then I’d search for a percentage that would tell me the risk of getting brain cancer at the age of thirteen. I would read the same article every single day until I got tired of it, because it was comforting and it was the only thing that gave me satisfaction. Once I got tired of that obsession, I moved on to a new one.
Through the years, my obsessions have changed in their content, but have remained nonetheless. It was brain cancer, then brain-eating amoeba, then rabies, then eye disorders, and brain-eating amoeba again. But, the obsessions don’t just have to do with my health. I’ll become completely convinced that people around me secretly dislike me. I’ll replay week-old conversations in order to dissect everything I said to make sure I didn’t say something embarrassing. At night, I overanalyze things people say and end up unable to sleep.
Compulsions are a b*tch. They are incredibly intrusive and they can affect people’s everyday lives and even their relationships with others. So when I contacted an OCD counselor and was told that journaling was an effective way to curb OCD, I was skeptical. How could something so simple ease a condition so tedious and taxing?
I was desperate to shut my exhausting OCD off, so I tried journaling. I started by writing down bullet lists of my triggers and various compulsions. I found that that method wasn’t very helpful and it felt more like a chore than anything else. As I experimented more and more with journaling, I found a strategy that genuinely helps me. I started writing detailed pages of what triggered my OCD and anxiety and why that trigger was more intrusive than it was accurate. I would write exactly what that moment’s obsession was, and rather than indulge in the compulsions of seeking reassurance from others or from the internet, I’d find that reassurance in myself by writing down exactly why that obsession was invalid.
As silly as it sounds, I also write affirmations in my journal. For example, if I’m having a panic attack over the sudden thought that I somehow contracted that rare brain-eating amoeba, I’d write down something like: I am not that special. I am not going to be that 1 in 70 million that contracts it. The odds are in my favor. It’s hard not to cringe when I’m writing things like that in my journal, but honestly, when I feel a panic attack creeping back, I re-read what I’ve written in my journal and I feel comforted. Seeing my fears written down on paper makes them feel far away and less threatening. Journaling diminishes the power they have over my mind and actions.
Though the obsessions that come with OCD may be unreasonable, the feelings that you have because of them are completely valid. They can also be completely manageable. OCD is a physiological disorder; it is not your fault nor does it determine anything about your character or worth.
To learn more about OCD and treatment, you can visit the International OCD Foundation website here. If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis, you can call the National Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text NAMI to 741-741 to connect with a crisis counselor for free.