The holidays are by far my favorite time of the year. I love spending time with my family and doing all of our Christmas traditions. This year will be a little bit different though, as my family is dealing with the recent loss of my grandmother. Every year, she and I would bake and decorate way too many Christmas cookies. It is hard to face the reality that I don’t get to do that with her anymore. However, because of this tradition having to change, I get to decorate cookies with my aunt and cousins this year. Although it will be different, I am excited to get to bond with some family members who I haven’t been super close with before this struggle came along. That’s life; things get difficult and they change in ways that you really don’t want them to, but new opportunities come along and silver linings always shine.
I can’t begin to explain how difficult of a time I’ve had since my grandmother passed, but I have had to learn that time doesn’t stop just because you’re not ready for it. We don’t get to pick when things like this happen, but once they do, all there is to do is keep going. I wasn’t ready for this loss, and when I went home for fall break, I wasn’t ready to have Thanksgiving dinner without my grandma by my side. And now, I don’t feel ready to wake up on Christmas morning without my grandma in the next room. The thing is, time passes and holidays come, no matter how I feel. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to deal with the sadness I feel as I look toward my favorite holiday, but I know that Thanksgiving came and went, and I still got to enjoy time with my family. I was still grieving, but I was happy to be with my parents and brother and to feel that my grandma was still with us. In fact, her chair at the dining table wasn’t even empty; her cat whom we adopted climbed into it right before dinner started. I guess if I had to say how I got through Thanksgiving, it would be things like that, that reminded me that she’s not really gone.
Another thing I know is that I can focus on honoring my grandma’s memory by adhering to the traditions that will be changed, but still treasured moving forward. That is why my family still plans on decorating Christmas cookies and baking them with the same recipe (store bought dough). Just because I can’t spend time with my grandma like I used to doesn’t mean my memories of her are going anywhere. Decorating Christmas cookies this year will still be a good way to stay connected to her and reminisce on the time that I was so lucky to spend with her.
Something that I’ve heard a lot in the context of someone losing a person is the reminder that the person who has passed wouldn’t want their loved ones feeling so bad. I believe that in most cases that is the truth, but it is hard to accept when you are on the receiving end of that advice. I know that my grandma wouldn’t want me hurting so much, but that doesn’t mean I can turn my pain off. What I can do is work on accepting that this pain doesn’t have to eliminate my happiness. I am still allowed to enjoy the holiday season, because that is what she would want me to do.
To anyone else struggling with loss, know that you are not alone this holiday season. Remember to enjoy the time you have with your people right now, and to reminisce on the good times more than you bask in regret or sadness. Hard times like what I’m going through are a part of life, and there is always someone to reach out to: people you share the struggle with, friends, family, counseling services, or even the person you lost through prayer or writing a letter. Try your best to fill your heart with love this holiday season, even if that love sits next to some pain.