I love rom-coms. In some phases of my femininity, it would have been hard to admit that, but I can tell you now – I just love them. I love the dialogue and the unrealistic situations. I love the aesthetic filmmaking and all of the dramatic kiss scenes. I even love the conflict, because I know it’ll all work out in the end.
But do they apply to real life? Do they hold up in reality, where there are no guarantees? Where there are no one-liners and hardly any professions of undying love? Sometimes, in life and love, we start to feel like we’re in our own movie. We’re swept away in our own rom-coms, trying on hats in boutiques and starting conversations in elevators. But will we snap out of it when our rom-com turns into a psychological thriller? To explore that idea, I revisited some of my favorite rom-coms with the principles of healthy relationships in mind. To preface, I looked at specifically romantic comedies instead of romance movies in general, because they’re the most innocuous, and therefore have the potential to be the most insidious. Starting with the movie I’d least recommend you model your relationships on, here are my thoughts (spoilers ahead):
6. “NOtting hill”
What to watch for:
I am a sucker for Julia Roberts (hardly a hot take). Despite the character flaws and questionable dynamics, I find myself watching “Notting Hill” at least twice a year. It’s the rainy weather, Hugh Grant’s British politeness and awkwardness, and Julia Roberts’ classic smile. I also love a movie where a celebrity plays a celebrity, so it was really a match made in heaven.
What to watch out for:
Anna walks all over William on several occasions. Considering how much emphasis she puts on being a “normal person,” she’s constantly mad at him for not understanding how hard being a celebrity is. She also decides to reveal that she has a boyfriend well after kissing William. When William finally ends things, all of his friends convince him to go get her back. Why? Because she’s pretty and famous. Not a great foundation for a healthy relationship.
Best line:
William: “I live in Notting Hill. You live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are, my mother has trouble remembering my name.”
Anna: “I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”
5. “My Best friend’s wedding”
What to watch for:
Julia Roberts, Dermot Mulroney, Cameron Diaz. How can you go wrong? When Michael calls Jules out of the blue to tell her he’s getting married to Kimmy, Jules spends the rest of the movie trying to break up their wedding. I love everything about this movie, down to the outfits and set design. Every scene and character is gorgeous. Jules’ delusional antics are so realistic it’s not even funny. And not to be too biased, but it’s also in Chicago which automatically adds at least 20 points.
What to watch out for:
Jules is trying to break up a wedding, so it’s not off to a great start. She fakes emails, botches her best maid duties, and is overall not a girl’s girl. Michael, for his part, has malleable boundaries with Jules. It also takes relatively little meddling from Jules for him to yell at Kimmy in a restaurant, let alone the life changes he expects her to make for him. Though they all wish each other well in the end, the journey is anything but amicable.
Best line:
Michael: “Kimmy says if you love someone you say it. You say it right then, out loud. Otherwise, the moment just…”
Jules: “Passes you by.”
Michael: “Passes you by. Yeah.”
4. “When harry met sally”
What to watch for:
“When Harry Met Sally” is widely considered the best rom-com ever made. Between the brilliant dialogue, captivating storyline, and (replicated) real-life interviews with older couples, you’ll find yourself on your 30th watch in no time. All 96 minutes of its runtime are aesthetically perfect, down to the rug in Harry’s apartment. I think the best time to watch is in the fall – get a couple of girlfriends together, make some tea with honey “on the side” and this movie will be an instant classic.
What to watch out for:
The “men and women can’t be friends” conundrum is not necessarily resolved by the end of the movie. The line between love and sex is blurred, and some of the generalizations Harry makes don’t transfer well to the real world. I love where they end up, but I hate how they got there: impulsive romance and character criticism.
Best line:
Harry: “I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
3. “while you were sleeping”
What to watch for:
Lucy has some of the best bangs of all time in this movie. Plus, it’s Christmas, it’s Chicago, and Jack is adorable. “While You Were Sleeping” is easily the coziest rom-com on the market and you’ll want to buy every single chunky sweater on the screen. Lucy is obsessed, she’s soft-spoken, she’s everything. She also gets adopted into Peter’s family so quickly, which I absolutely love.
What to watch out for:
While Lucy and Jack are falling in love, he thinks she’s engaged to his brother. They technically don’t cross any lines, but starting a relationship on half-truths and perceived infidelity isn’t prototypically healthy.
Best line:
Lucy: “Have you ever, like, seen somebody, and you knew that, if only that person really knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that you were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with?”
2. “The wedding singer”
What to watch for:
The music, the 80s, the hair, the actors. Adam Sandler is as beautiful and charming as ever as Robbie, Drew Barrymore brings her best smile as Julia, and all of the side characters fill in everything in between. This movie reminds me of my dad – watching a movie, eating pizza, and loving every second.
What to watch out for:
Julia is engaged when she meets Robbie. But for one thing, her fiancé is cheating on and ignoring her. And for another, when Robbie sees her happy (or at least thinks he does), he leaves her alone. Robbie wants her to be with him, but more than that, he wants her to be happy. And that’s love to me.
Best Line:
Robbie (singing): “So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink / Put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink. / Oh I could be the man to grow old with you. / I wanna grow old with you.”
1. “set it up”
What to watch for:
“Set It Up” has it all. Lovable characters, good music, and a plotline that’s only slightly contrived and super fun. The star-studded cast sells every minute of the movie – from 1 to 105. I feel it’s important to mention that I saw this movie when it came out in 2018, so I was in love with Glen Powell before it was cool. Overall, I love Charlie and Harper’s banter and practically everything about their relationship.
What to watch out for:
There’s almost nothing unhealthy about this romance. Besides Charlie having a girlfriend (Suze) at the beginning of the movie (starting to notice a pattern in my favorite movies), Charlie and Harper’s relationship is practically perfect. They are good at liking and loving each other. Even their worst fight is respectful, and their damage-control teamwork is unstoppable.
Best line:
Becca: “When I was little, my grandmother used to say, ‘You like because, and you love despite.’ You like someone because of all of their qualities, and you love someone despite some of their qualities.”
Conclusion
Are rom-coms setting us up for failure? As someone who had to form her own role model for romantic love, I don’t think so. I think it depends on what you’re watching for. If you’re looking for a movie to guide you in life, you might end up with some ill-advised decisions. But if you want to get lost in a story, to reignite your love of love, look no further than one of the rom-coms on this list.
P.S. If you want more analysis like this, check out Cinema Therapy, a YouTube channel that features a licensed therapist and a professional filmmaker evaluating stories and life lessons from iconic movies.