Have you ever really liked someone and had the exciting build up to the kiss, but then you finally kiss and it sucked?
It’s happened to all of us. And it’s happened to me more times than I count. I’m kidding, but the times it has happened have been awful.
After having good and bad kisses with a few men in my day, I’ve made a list of the worst kinds of kissers I’ve come across. FYI, most of these guys are multiple offenders, so I’ll put M.O. and a number by them so you know which guys did those things.
Ears
The ear biter: This guy isn’t the typical nibbler. Sometimes that’s a good addition to a make-out session, but this guy full on bites your ear. Ear lobe, cartilage – wherever it is, it doesn’t feel good. Why does anyone think this is a good tactic? I have no idea. (M.O. 1,2).
The excavator: This guy shoves his tongue in your ear. It’s not a light brushing of the tongue like a normal nibbler would do, he physically sticks his tongue inside your ear. (M.O.2)
Nose
The nose knows: He somehow manages to get his nose in your eye while you are kissing. How that happens? I have no idea. But it did. (M.O.2).
Tongue
The hockey player: This is the guy who sticks his tongue in your mouth like he’s trying to score a goal in the back of your mouth.
The dead weight: This guy sticks his tongue in your mouth and just leaves it there. He doesn’t move it, so it forces you to pull away and try to get him to do something. Anything other than just leaving his tongue in your mouth. (M.O.2).
The dead guy: No this guy isn’t really dead. But his tongue is ice cold – in an unnatural way other than what would be caused by a cold drink. To this day I couldn’t even tell you why – and honestly I don’t even like to think about it.
Teeth
The teeth clinker: There’s always that one eager guy who goes in too fast and clanks his teeth against yours.
The biter: This guy solely depends on mouth stuff and somehow bites your lips when he kisses you. It’s pretty miserable. I was drunk and he was Scottish, so any girl is a sucker for an accent. But after a little while I managed to disappear into my group of friends to get away.
The “my teeth are too big” guy: This guy doesn’t know how to kiss without his teeth. It’s almost like he’s kissing you with his teeth out and lips curled back. I don’t really understand why people think teeth are okay in kissing, but it happens and it sucks! (M.O.3).
The zombie: When this guy kisses you it feels like he wants to eat your face off. When he tries to have a passionate make-out session with you he opens up too much and actually leaves teeth marks on your face on the outside of your mouth. (M.O.1).
Neck
The vampire: This guy likes to bite. Which is fine, but it has to be a light thing. This guy’s teeth are so sharp you feel like he’s going to rip your skin off. (M.O.3).
This isn’t a complete list of all the bad kinds of kissers out there, but in my opinion, these are the worst of the worse! Do yourself a favor: if you ever come across any of these guys, run! Your first kiss should be passionate and awesome… not a horror story.