Trust me; we know where you’re coming from. You’re standing at the local pumpkin patch, proudly holding up your newly purchased gourd, and imagining the myriad things that have just become possible. We should, however, warn you that there are some serious limitations on what you can and should do with your pumpkin. Below is a handy list of nine such injunctions; you truly should not do the following:
1. Throw your pumpkin on the ground with all your might!
No one wants to wake up to a squished pumpkin on the street outside their house. Making some poor neighbor pick up the remains of a destroyed pumpkin would be a truly objectionable thing to do this autumn.
2. Tie it to your car’s bumper and drag it around town.
This one we suspect is illegal, which means that not only will your friends and family object to this course of action, but so will law enforcement officers!
3. Put it in your backpack and carry it around campus (large pumpkins only).
This one has a bit of a twist: you yourself will probably disagree with doing this! After all, large pumpkins are very heavy, so adding one to your already book-laden backpack will only make matters worse for you.
4. Put a pumpkin in the Rec Center pool.
Honestly, why would you do that? It’s not even an interesting prank; someone could very easily fish the pumpkin out—well, only if pumpkins float though. We don’t know whether pumpkins float. They probably do.
5. Douse the pumpkin in gasoline and set it aflame.
Please do not do this; this is extremely objectionable. Gasoline is terribly dangerous and should not be played with. You might burn yourself very badly, or even burn down your own home if you should choose to do this.
6. Eat your pumpkin raw.
Pumpkins, though quite tasty when baked into a pie or fashioned into a candle, are simply no good to eat raw. Most people would object to your having a messy and disgusting snack of raw pumpkin in front of them.
7. Microwave your pumpkin.
Oh gosh, please don’t microwave a pumpkin. Just take our word on it.
8. Draw a face on your pumpkin and then tie it to the railroad tracks.
It may be tempting to pretend that your pumpkin is the victim of a hostage situation. (The classic wild western motif involving a distressed young woman, sinister villain and a noble cowboy comes to mind here.) The fact of the matter is that it is against railway regulations, and should not be carried out. Though unlikely to cause a serious accident, it might present a danger or inconvenience to oncoming locomotives.
9. Submit your pumpkin in place of a homework assignment.
We have never once heard of a professor that accepts a pumpkin instead of a completed assignment. Do not do this; you will not receive credit.
We hope that this list helps you enjoy your autumn! Cheers!