I recently learned in my Interpersonal Communications class that there are low-context and high-context people. Low-context people value expressing themselves, sharing their opinions, and trying to persuade others to view things the way they do. High-context people like to maintain harmony and avoiding offending people is more important than sharing their feelings.
As someone who considers themselves a high-context person, I noticed it allowed people to walk all over me and control how I felt. Throughout your life, you will get in disagreements with people and you both have the decision to either talk it out or allow it to turn into an argument. The main problem with this is that some people, like me, avoid disagreement because of the fear of it turning into an argument. So the question is, how do you talk to someone without it turning into an argument.
“You will get in disagreements with people and you both have the decision to either talk it out or allow it to turn into an argument.”
I remember never disagreeing with my parents growing up because I always thought it was simply easier that way. Then this pattern followed me in every relationship in my life and I realized I didn’t know how to stick up for myself. This simply started because I was scared to lose someone for disagreeing with them and I thought my opinions didn’t matter as much as keeping this person in my life. In return, I felt belittled and those differences we shared that I never spoke on would build up until I didn’t want to be around these people anymore.
From someone who personally doesn’t like arguing, I know it can be exhausting. On the other hand, not speaking at all can also be draining. Finding the middle ground where you can talk about your feelings without it turning into an argument is important. This can be done by first understanding that there’s nothing wrong with thinking differently than someone or feeling hurt by something someone said. There’s also the possibility of miscommunication and misinterpretation where a problem is being caused even though that wasn’t the intent. Once you trust yourself with the conversation and are confident that you have the right to your own feelings, the next step is to be open to hearing what the other person has to say. For example, if you tell someone how you feel, you have to understand where they are coming from as well.
“Finding the middle ground where you can talk about your feelings without it turning into an argument is important.”
But, you should trust the person you are talking to. The fear that you will lose someone due to expressing your feelings will only be there if you aren’t secure in your relationship with them. This is a deeper problem beyond being unable to confront someone but rather deals with needing to feel safe in the relationship. If the person is someone you don’t particularly have a relationship with but rather a case where you want to stick up for yourself, then you have nothing to be afraid of. It’s significant to remember who you identify yourself as and it’s important to back yourself up. Go up to this person and simply tell them how you feel and walk away.
Usually, the fear of expressing your feelings has to do with a past experience where someone left when you tried. It’s important to remember that not every experience will be like this. The future impact of not saying how you feel will be worse than someone leaving you because then you are digging a hole of doubt for yourself. Recognize that there’s a difference between talking and arguing, and expressing your feelings should be a conversation where you feel safe.