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I’m okay

But I’m not okay.

 

I love helping those around me

But they don’t know I need help the most.

 

I’m so close to living my dreams

It just a few years away.

But this nightmare that I’ve been living in

Feels like it's never-ending.

 

My mind is so beautiful

Intertwined with all of these thoughts and ideas.

But its ugly at the same time

Confused about why these negative thoughts cover up the rainbow trying to peek through.

 

Am I good enough?

Yes, you deserve everything you get.

No, you need to improve, push harder, do better.

I’m not good enough.

 

Are they proud?

Yes, they see everything you do, they applaud you, and they recognize your efforts.

No, every mistake you make turns them against you, disappoints them, and stabs them in the heart.

So I’m a disappointment.

 

Are you going to succeed?

Yes, you’re the perfect candidate. You’re compassionate, hardworking, a go-getter.

No, you made that C freshman year. You’re a fraud, lazy, no one will accept you.

I don’t have a back-up plan, though.

 

Am I pretty?

Yes, everyone is beautiful but especially you. Your personality, smile, intelligence, the list goes on.

No, remember that he said to lose more weight then ask again. Your extra rolls, bloat, filled out face, the list goes on.

I guess I look alright.

 

I’ve put my thoughts on paper

This means things are going to get better.

But these aren’t all of my thoughts

This is just what I want you to know now.

 

I’m okay

But I’m not okay.

Toni is a junior Molecular Biology major and Psychology minor at the College of Charleston. She believes her role in science is to promote equal health care rights for all and emphasize bettering the quality of medical care received by minorities. Her ultimate goal in life is to become a pediatric oncologist and open a traveling clinic for those who can't afford quality care. Follow her journey of navigating how to make the world a better place as a minority woman in STEM.
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