Here we are folks! We made it through one more semester. The silent sizzle of Pillsbury cookies baking, never leaving bed and the unapologetic pleasure of pressing “next episode” on Netflix has finally come. But wait – there is more! Along with the holidays, we must also be prepared for the dreaded complex questions family members feel as though they have the right to bombard us with. So, Grandpa John and Aunt Pam, here is a list of questions us students do not want to hear during this holiday break.
What are your plans after graduation?
Family members just love to make you feel like a stressed out bum with this question. Hear me out Cousin Roy, no student knows for sure what they want to do after a diploma is handed to them. We barely know which show we want to binge-watch next. This question is simply a catalyst for anxiety and tears. So, in the most polite way, get off our backs!
Are you dating someone?
There is no denying the fact that families just want to know that their young cub is going off into the world and forming some loving, healthy relationships. But what is often misunderstood is the fact that dating in college is hit or miss. You have those lucky ones who are celebrating an 18 month anniversary, while others swipe on Tinder for kicks and giggles. Family, just know that if you ask this question, you will all receive the same response: “I do not have time to be in a relationship right now” – followed by an annoyed giggle. Can’t you see we students laugh to keep from crying?
Are you still friends with ___?
Let’s face it, the older we get, friends come and go like Moe’s queso – here one minute and gone the next. You can be “friends” with the guy that sits next to you in class for one semester, and the next, pretend like you do not know him when you pass in Cougar Mall. That is life. And chances are, if you and a friend did decide to part ways, please do not bring back up what was left in the past.
How are your grades looking?
The whole point of Christmas break is to forget, relax and rejuvenate. Questions concerning classes, final exams or the current state of our GPA are completely counterproductive and irrelevant. Chances are, most students will simply play off the question stating: “I do not know. My professor has not put grades up yet.” For you see family, during holiday break, grades cease to exist, and you will get the craziest look if you bring them up.
Are you you still dieting?
Sure, students may rave over the phone about how they found a new a diet and lost a couple of pounds during the semester. But Nana Pearl, please understand that when students come home, all bets are off. Sweatpants are on. Diets have been set to pause. Revenge bodies will have to wait. Honey-glazed hams, six cheese macaroni and pound cake is the new diet for the next two weeks! So please pass the cornbread while it is still hot.
Did you lose weight?
This is a tricky one. Family members think they are slick and handing students a compliment – but do not be fooled! Asking a student if they dropped pounds is by the book – complete and utter shade (refer to Urban Dictionary if you are confused)! Pay close attention. Chances are, we students did not lose weight, you just have not seen us in long time. And you saying that we look slimmer, only makes us feel more self conscious because we know that we have not lost weight. And now we feel guilty about not sticking to the diets we have been raving about. And now we are stressed, making us only want to eat more of Nana’s cornbread.
Why don’t you come home more often?
Be careful family when you ask this question. You may get some answers you do not want to hear. Students just may come clean about how they dislike your house cat or hate that coming home brings back the trauma of high school. But, if it makes you feel better, truth is, for most students, college and the city they go to school at, has strangely become their “home.” So visiting family and going back to hometowns simple feels strange and unsettling. But do remember, there are no hard feeling towards you. And besides, nothing can ever replace that sentimental comfort of our real home.
Where is all the money we give you?
Yes Mom and Dad, we are very appreciative for the 20 bucks you slipped in our bank accounts. But understand, nothing lasts forever. We may have two jobs and you may give us occasional cash, but that only goes so far. Between unexpected brunch dates, manicures, hair appointments, Venmo chaos, late night pizza deliveries and bottles of Barefoot wine, money will always be an issue for us – if you really wanted to know.
What do you do in your free time?
Well if you must know, time really flies when you are finding matches on Tinder, perfecting Pinterest boards, cracking open bottles of wine, getting hooked on Stranger Things, plucking your own eyebrows, texting some boy, walking into overpriced boutiques, eating pasta constantly, debating the significance of the Kardashians on Twitter and playing with Snapchat filters. No wonder we never have time to study and homework.
All photos from Giphy.