Before I begin, let me tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Mary and I am a senior at the College of Charleston. I’m in the REACH Program, which is a four-year fully inclusive program for students with intellectual and physical disabilities. Along with having a disability, I also have depression and anxiety. I normally wouldn’t tell people I have depression and anxiety right off the bat because I honestly don’t like talking about it, even to my close friends. But it’s a major part of my story.
The first time I remember having body image issues was in middle school. I went to a middle school that was intentionally for students with intellectual and physical disabilities, Dore Academy. My experience with the school was a love/hate relationship.
Throughout the three years I was at the school, I was constantly made fun of. It was all sort of ironic because we were there at the school for one common reason. But one of the main thing that I was made fun of was my weight.
I have always been larger for a number of reasons. Is it because of my disability? Possibly. Is it because of the amount of medications I have to take? Most likely. Is it because of my lack of motivation? Definitely. Why though?
I know that exercise is good to maintain healthy weight and I also know that it’s really good for keeping depression and anxiety stable. So why do I have such a hard time motivating myself?
Last week I was looking in the mirror when I was in a really bad state and was very anxious. All I was wearing was a bra and underwear and I was getting to dress to meet a friend.
Disgust, that’s the word that came to mind. I hated how I looked and I hated how I felt. At that moment I felt as though I didn’t belong in my body. I hated my stretch marks on my tummy. I hated my cellulite on my butt. I hated the hair that I don’t shave on the back of my legs, which I love on a normal day. But most of all I hated myself.
On the worst days I envy girls who can get a guy to look at her for more than 3 or 5 seconds. I envy those who have even been in long term relationships or even relationships at all or who have ever been kissed.
Those are the days that I wonder, am I beautiful? Am I worth it?
I was venting to a group of friends last week about my self confidence and they gave me some really great messages I think everyone can benefit from.
My friend, Jasmin Wilson, said that I had to identify why and what was triggering that emotion for me.
I was comparing myself to other women all the time, I wasn’t being honest with myself about it either.
She reminded me to not live in denial. I helped myself through selfies, looking at the good assets I have and adopting a mantra. It’s a journey and I’m not all the way there at all, but being self critical and treating yourself the way you should be treated is a start.
If you can look at someone else and say they are beautiful, what’s stopping you from looking in the mirror and doing the same? Break that down. What’s in the way? I had to actively deconstruct my ideas of beauty and build it around me.
There’s a lot we pick up from looking at other people. It’s how we defined beauty. But we have to look at the people we think are pretty and ask ourselves, what makes them so pretty? And what is that worth?
You have to keep it real with yourself and think, do you feel sorry for yourself?
Remind yourself that you are an intelligent, hard working, creative, kind, clever, friendly, independent young woman. What is there to feel sorry for? You make your own money, you’re educated, socially conscious and self aware.
If you pity yourself for something you like, think why you do it. Is it necessary? Pity, for yourself or others, is not a component in a healthy or good friendship. Nor is it healthy for yourself. You are so much more than the things you lack.
When I was talking about how, it’s not that easy for me to just snap into this headspace where I have this unbelievable confidence and I’m happy all the time.
I told my friends how it wasn’t easy for me to be confident and happy all the time. I couldn’t snap into that headspace or mindset just like that.
My friend Tamara Younkin’s said, “You don’t have to feel bad about not being built that way. No one is.”
You don’t have to feel bad about not being a certain size or lacking certain traits. And that is the most important thing to remember. Through my struggles with my body I learned this.
And, I hope that those who also struggle will learn it too. Because everyone is beautiful inside and out, and that’s the most important thing.