I’m a fat girl. Always have been, and probably always will be. However, using the word “fat” as a descriptor for myself is always viewed as a negative. This isn’t new information: “fat = bad” in most people’s minds, and we’re all taught that from a young age. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the words “No, you’re not fat, you’re beautiful!” in my lifetime. The problem is this: I can be both fat and beautiful at the same time. Fat is not synonymous with ugly, yet we all subconsciously have this mentality. And it sucks.
Before I delve further into this, I feel like I need a disclaimer: I am well aware of the health concerns and risks that come with obesity and being overweight. They pose a very real threat to many people, and I do not condone living an unhealthy life. However, just because a person is heavy does NOT mean they are inherently unhealthy, just like being skinny doesn’t mean you’re healthy.
Why does it suck so much? In theory, you can just brush off comments people make about your weight. Alternatively, you could lose the weight so you don’t have that problem anymore. But that’s the problem: it’s not that simple. If it were, I wouldn’t be writing this right now.
I didn’t really realize I was fat until I was in 5th grade. Back then, every girl was wearing clothes from Justice. Those brightly colored accessories and funky t-shirts were the fashion staple of elementary school. My friends kept asking me why I didn’t have those clothes — I was confined to exclusively large flowy t-shirts and plaid cargo shorts at the time. Since I, like many kids at that age, was very impressionable, I begged my mom to take me to the mall. She eventually agreed and I was super excited the whole way there. When we got to the store, though, my mood quickly changed. We searched through rack after rack trying to find something that would fit me right, but to no avail. Eventually, my mom dug through the clearance rack and found a shirt that looked like it would fit. It wasn’t even anything special, but I was desperate to find something. I hurried into the dressing room to try it on, excited to finally be able to wear clothes like all my friends. But, as I struggled to squeeze into the size XL shirt, the thin purple fabric ripped straight down the middle. I immediately started to cry. My mom came to get me, she paid for the shirt, and we left. My weight had never posed a problem to me before, but suddenly I was very, very aware of it.
I’ll spare you the other countless traumatic mall/shopping stories I’ve had, but that experience was the first big one. Standing idly by while all my friends bought cute clothes they liked and tried stuff on starts to take a toll on your body image after a while. Eventually, I just stopped going because I felt uncomfortable and unwelcome. What sucks is that it wasn’t even my friends’ faults, but I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be around them.
Once I got to middle school, things did not improve. I remember having to “change out” for the first time for P.E. We were given our uniforms and instructed to go change in the locker rooms before class. Already self-conscious and nervous, I tried to hurry in first so I could be done before anybody else got there, but I had little success. Almost the second I took off my shirt, one of the girls laughed and asked me what kind of bra I was wearing. I stuttered and didn’t know how to answer, but before I even got the chance she said something along the lines of “only fat b*tches have to wear bras that ugly.” I fought back tears and hurriedly finished changing and ran back into the gym. After that, I just changed in the bathroom before class.
The teasing and comments continued throughout middle school, and my body image worsened by the day. I was left constantly thinking about my weight: what I could do to change it, getting clothes that would mask it, eating less, sucking in my stomach, lying about my weight, etc. Suddenly, my thoughts were consumed with it. Not a day went by that I wasn’t thinking about how fat I was in comparison to everyone around me, and that mindset has stuck with me to this day.
Being fat sucks because it consumes your thoughts. Every outfit, every meal, every glance in the mirror is a never-ending cycle of self-deprecation. Without even thinking about it, I look at how many calories are in what I eat to determine if I can “afford” it. The clothes I wear have to mask my stomach for them to be acceptable for others to see. It’s a habit that I can’t seem to shake, and I know I’m not alone.
There’s a lot of factors at play when it comes to issues associated with body image. The media plays a huge role in determining what society believes to be the ideal body type, and there’s limited action we can take to change that. I wish I could say that I had all the answers to this problem. I wish I could say that I’m writing this as advice to you all because I struggled and overcame it, but it’s still a very serious thing I deal with every day.
That being said, I can tell you that the first step in developing a healthier body image is realizing that your worth has absolutely nothing to do with your weight. There will always be days where it feels like that, but it’s not the truth. Slowly but surely, I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m a fat girl, and that doesn’t mean a thing.