Craving: to want something you cannot see, hear, nor touch. Perhaps a place you’ve never traveled, or a mind you not yet known, just frequently tasted. Lately, I’m struggling to find my place, metamorphosing with every thought, recklessly abandoning old ways craving far more abundance than I’ve ever dared myself to dream.
To me, happiness is a light emotion, clinging to the surface where it can bubble, spread, and be seen. It’s contagious, undeniable, and evident. Sadness, loneliness, un-want, lack of need, are much different. These heavier feelings house themselves in our pits. Similar to a growing pains, you can feel where it lives, disturbing you, stretching you, changing you, yet there is no observable explanation to the outside world. These undesired emotions foster where they cannot be seen, wounds of the heart, impossible to pull out of your body to reveal in the light. Your pain and belief are all you have, that is until your taller, stronger, or simply new.
What I’ve discovered in blissful moments like being kissed or standing on a mountaintop is that they are only as high as I am healed. I revisit to wander through old heart break every so often as a stranger detached from the emotional experience. Looking through the damage that I’ve caused myself and others can be troublesome. How can we trust ourselves through so many mistakes? What exists in the space between the pits and the sunshine? How can two me’s be so different?
I’m unsure I have an answer to these questions, but they reveal a depth that I am thankful for. Space to explore, roam, dream, and grow. As time passes I realize only substantial, abiding happiness can penetrate the resistance pain has toward healing. And the only person that can grant this peace to yourself, is you.