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How 20 Other Brand Mascots Will Die

As a journalist working around the clock to deliver the most relevant and up-to-date news for the greater good, it’s never easy to announce a person’s death, especially one who touched the hearts of so many across the world.

This week, I learned about such a passing. I am sad to inform you that Mr. Peanut has died. His death will be (morbidly) televised during a commercial break at the Super Bowl on February 2. (Planters, please reference me and this article in the case study you’ll inevitably make about this ad campaign.)

I am shocked by this, not only because I personally thought about Mr. Peanut approximately once every four months, but because I didn’t know that advertising mascots could die. Surely they’d quietly disappear after overstaying their welcome and becoming the subject of anti-capitalist critique, but I didn’t think that meant they full-on died.

Now that this harsh reality has come to light, I will now predict how other brands will announce the death of their beloved mascots

 

  1. The Kool-Aid Man- sustained head trauma from workplace injury

 

  1. Mr. Clean- Botox injection gone wrong

 

  1. Charmin bear family- game hunting

 

  1. Nasonex Bee- sexually transmitted disease

  1. Flo from Progressive- skiing accident

  1. Tony the Tiger- poisoned

  1. Ronald McDonald- murdered

  1. The General- exposure to radiation

  1. Chester Cheetah- cocaine overdose

  1. The Burger King king- capital punishment for war crime

  1. The Yellow M&M- eaten by human

  1. The Green M&M- eaten by human

  1. The Red M&M- stabbed by prostitute

  1. Pillsbury Doughboy- internal bleeding caused by blunt-force trauma to the stomach. (That’s right. When you poke him, he very well might bleed.)

  1. The Pringles Guy- decapitation

  1. Hamburger Helper- heart attack

  1. Old Spice Guy- immortal

  1. “Can You Hear Me Now”Verizon guy who switched to Sprint- already dead to me. (Traitor.)

  1. Chuck E. Cheese- regulation-sized mouse trap

  1. The Geico gecko- natural causes

Kait Wilbur is an aggressively optimistic individual obsessed with sitcoms, indie music, and pop culture in general. She hails from Manito, a rural wasteland in Illinois so small and devoid of life that she took up writing to amuse herself. Kait goes to Butler University to prepare for a career in advertising, but all she really wants to do is talk about TV for a living. You can find her at any given moment with her earbuds in pretending to do homework but actually looking at surrealist memes.
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