The Hellscape That Is Laryngitis

You know how sometimes in your life everything lines up perfectly? This is not one of those times.


Aside from being someone who lives online and writes stories about Gossip Girl fan theories and Meghan Markle’s dog, I am also a singer-songwriter. I have a few friends who know how to use a recording studio (damn well) and are helping me draft an EP. I began the process of recording four songs in which I mostly belt and sometimes scream (to cover up being a just okay singer, and to be A N G S T Y).


The week before, the weather changed a lot. (The Earth is getting hotter and more erratic- these are facts.) As a result, a lot more sinus pressure appeared in my head and all of the tubes within my face. (Yikes, that sounds kinda gross.) I was full-blown sick and, as usual, had a full week of making an ass of myself in front of other people: presenting in class, running a meeting, hosting a fake television show. You know, typical run-of-the-mill stuff.


Apparently, when you barely have a voice to sing, you shouldn’t sing. Otherwise your voice will go away and you will only be able to talk in a whisper.


Here are some things that may happen as a result.


-You can’t impress people with your wit.

I have thought of so many pithy comments that would have added value to conversations I was a part of. Nobody laughs at you when you have no voice! And if they do, they laugh at you acting out what you’re trying to say, which is actually really rude. You’re doing the best you can, here.


-Other people have to decide what to talk about.

No more good stories of yours to contribute. No more questions to clarify. It’s basically like listening to a podcast of your friends. You’d still listen to it, but it’d be even better to be a part of it.


-It’s hard to laugh.

If something makes you laugh really hard, you can’t even enjoy all of it! The act of laughter is really so relaxing and cathartic. Your own throat is stifling your happiness! Why would it do that to you?


-You have to avoid caffeine and alcohol if you want any hope of getting better.

Coffee? Soda? Forget it. Not if you want to speak again. (This according to a cursory look at a Google search.) Water and tea with honey are great, but there’s only so much of it I want to drink. The other part is less of a big deal since I’m only 20, but I WANT A DIET COKE, DAMMIT!


-Apparently you also can’t whisper?

This appeared on that same list. I’ve been whispering all day. I’m basically doomed. I hope you enjoy these online articles from me, because it’s one of the few forms of communication I have left.