Gluten Free will be the Death of Me

have always been a sickly little child with tummy problems that I used to fix with a handful of Tums and water or the occasional Pinterest remedy.


After my 9 millionth visit to my doctor and no solution to my stomach issues, she told me, “Madi, you should go gluten free to see if the diet change affects you in any way.”


Excuse me?


What is gluten?



I left thinking how I’d totally fit in in Los Angeles and how I can be like Kourtney Kardashian now, eating my gluten free and healthy meals. I was actually a little excited because I would be that girl at the restaurant who has to stick her nose in the air and say, “Do you have a gluten free menu?”


When I got to my apartment, the first thing I did was research gluten. Turns out that it is in, well, everything I eat. It is wheat, so I threw out my bread, oatmeal, chips, granola bars, protein bars, cereal, etc. Gluten is usually present when the food contains glucose, vitamin E, and vegetable proteins…. And gum! Yeah, gum...


This means no pizza, bagels, noodles, breaded chicken, breaded anything, beer…. It is also in things like candy, syrups, and it is used as a shortening substitute in many things. It is also hidden in a lot of things that have “natural flavors” which are usually made with wheat.


I got a little upset.


Then I looked at what I could eat. That list consisted of rice, quinoa (the stuff that’s hard as hell to cook), gluten free, of course, bread and noodles, corn, soy and beans and potatoes.


Basically I have to look for the “Gluten Free” label on all of my foods.


This is easy for the most part, but the problem is finding gluten free substitutes that you actually enjoy.


Some cereals are pretty enjoyable, but most of the cookies I’ve had- just stay away from those. I’ve found little snack packs whose contents tasted like chunks of pure dirt, but on the bright side the gluten free pretzels and crackers and such are very enjoyable.


The hardest part for me is cookie dough and brownie ice cream… Like the kind from Ben and Jerry’s called “Half Baked.” Yeah, I live for that stuff, and now it is just a fragment of my past.


Now, I understand that there are some health benefits to going gluten free and it really has forced me to lose weight since I am without anything gluten free to eat besides some frozen fruit sometimes, but I would not want to do it if I wasn’t instructed to.


I love bread and sweets and candy far too much.


I respect the people who discipline themselves and stick to these kinds of diets, but man, I would rather workout more and be able to eat normal carbs!


To say the least, this gluten free adventure is going to stink, so please don’t offer me your donuts and bagels in the morning because I might run away crying.