One of the finer joys in life is arriving at a restaurant and knowing that before you even order your food, the waiter will deliver a deliciously warm basket of carbohydrates to your table – for free! And, even better, there is (within reason) absolutely no limit to the amount of free bread you are allowed to consume.
However, some restaurants simply have better bread than others. For some, the bread is the main attraction – the hype surrounding Red Lobster’s cheesy biscuits is so immense that the box mix is available in stores. Other restaurants, however, serve dry, crumbly excuses for bread. Whether you’re sitting in front of a basket of breadsticks, biscuits, or rolls, there is an unspoken hierarchy. Here are the various complimentary carbs, ranked:
No. 8: Panera Bread baguette
This bread rightfully deserves its place at the bottom of this list. Not once have I ever bitten into a baguette slice from Panera bread and been overly impressed. One bite into this bread requires the force of a hippopotamus’ jaw – it is simply too tough for any human to efficiently eat. It’s the plainest, most bland bread on this list, and the payoff is not enough to justify the effort that goes into consuming it, and so, therefore, it is last. Honestly, you’d be better off with the chips or apple.
No. 7: Bonefish artisan bread
Truthfully, I’m not even sure what kind of bread this is. On its own, it can be compared in flavor and texture to the Panera Bread baguette. The game-changer here is the (free!) pesto dip which accompanies the bread – it really takes the whole experience to the next level (if you have a nut allergy, I am truly sorry that you will never experience this joy). However, the “artisan bread”? It could use some work.
No. 6: Olive Garden breadsticks
You and I both know it, it’s just a matter of being honest with ourselves – Olive Garden breadsticks are overrated. With every bite, I end up feeling disappointed and hoping for just a bit more. Sure, they’re great dipped in the Alfredo sauce, but that costs money and this list is about bread that stands out on its own. And this bread does not.
No. 5: Cheesecake Factory brown bread
Something about this bread gives you a nostalgic, warm, and home-ey feel. It’s the kind of loaf of bread that when breaking it apart, you almost wonder if you feel like Jesus did when he fed the 5,000, except instead of it being a miracle that the bread never runs out, it’s just the waiter coming to refill your basket. Anyways, a solid bread. Middle tier.
No. 4: Outback Steakhouse bread
The brown bread from the Cheesecake Factory is notably very similar to Outback’s bread. There is a key difference here, though, that makes the Outback bread slightly more elite. For starters, the Cheesecake Factory serves you an assorted bread basket, so not all the bread you receive is the oh-so-delicious brown bread. With Outback, the only bread you are served is the brown bread, which comes with whipped butter, unlike the cold, solid slices of butter given by the Cheesecake Factory. It’s simply a matter of quantity AND quality that gives Outback’s bread an advantage.
No. 3: Fazoli’s breadsticks
These are the breadsticks that Olive Garden breadsticks aspire to be. Perfectly golden and dripping in garlic butter, Fazoli’s gets it right every single time without fail. These breadsticks are rich and flavorful, and it’s all too easy to eat 5+ breadsticks in one sitting. You can’t even feel guilty, though – they’re just that good. Lesser known, but better.
No. 2: Red Lobster Cheddar Bay biscuits
Red Lobster biscuits almost certainly have a cult following. Die-hard fans of this particular biscuit can even purchase the box mix of it at the grocery store, although truthfully, it doesn’t quite match up to the real thing. When you have a fresh basket of these biscuits placed before you, it’s hard not to at least eat one – or two, or three, or four. Unwrapping the cloth that these biscuits are lovingly nestled under is nearly equivalent to unwrapping the Christmas present you’ve been waiting for all year.
No. 1: Texas Roadhouse rolls
Texas Roadhouse rolls offer the steady consistency that no other restaurant can match. Have you ever received a disappointing basket of Texas Roadhouse rolls? Probably not. These rolls are the star item on Texas Roadhouse’s menu, triumphing over every entree available. You could sit down, fill up on peanuts and rolls, and leave feeling perfectly satisfied. And that cinnamon butter? Gourmet.
Obviously, this is a subjective list – everyone has different tastes. I can respect that, unless Panera Bread’s crusty baguette tops your list, because despite our differences, I think we can all agree that that bread isn’t even worth it.