To All the (Famous) Boys* I've Loved Before

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for celebrity crushes that are less “unattainable sculpted hunk” and more “dorky adult man living the dream.” Less Tiger Beat, more Wired, if I had to characterize.

 

The internet and other interactive media enable us to feel so close to people we’ve never met before. I’ve been able to do a quick Google search and find extensive biographical information about actors and musicians from the time I realized that I thought boys* were cute. So my relationships with these guys feel as real as some of the crushes I’ve had in real life! (Maybe even more real.)

 

  1. Andy Samberg

My first true love. I remember being eleven, watching Saturday Night Live and seeing Andy point a gun in the “Dear Sister” digital short (and several others) and thinking “this is a man.” Y’all know hot dad, Brooklyn Nine-Nine Samberg. That’s great, but give me 2008-era, long, curly mop hair Andy Samberg. That’s that stuff I do like.

  1. Ezra Koenig

Remember 2013 Tumblr? While you were crushing on Benefactor Cabbagepatch, I had it bad for the patron saint of boat shoes. The Vampire Weekend frontman was the college boyfriend I dreamed of. He was low-key my very first pink button up shirt boy. And I still have an “Ezzy for Prezzy” sticker on my laptop. You name a cuter option for 2020 and I’ll take it off.

  1. Paul Rudd

Yeah, he’s your celebrity boyfriend too. Yeah, he’s married. But how can you not love him? I’m not just talking Clueless Paul Rudd, or perennial hot dad Paul Rudd. I’m not even just talking Bobby Newport Paul Rudd or Wet Hot American Summer Paul Rudd. I am specifically talking about the Paul Rudd that shows a clip from the 80’s movie Mac and Me every time he goes on Conan O’Brien’s show. Paul Rudd is the prototype for what influential straight white man should be, in my opinion.

  1. (Long Boy) Vance Joy

Vance Joy is 6’4”. He’s an adorable lanky Australian former football player who named himself after a character in Catcher in the Rye. He writes cute little songs about love and plays the ukulele sometimes (which is disproportionate and hilarious). I’ve seen him in concert twice. Before one of the concerts, I showed up at a cafe thirty minutes after he left it. And I’ve hated myself for it ever since.

  1. Donald Glover/Childish Gambino

He’s my favorite rapper (as I am a white girl who goes to a private college). He’s Troy Barnes from Community and responsible for one of my favorite TV clips of all time. His standup special, Weirdo, is a pretty good litmus test for if I want to be friends with someone. He’s Lando Calrissian, for pete’s sake. I am thirsty for that resume.

  1. Timothee Chalamet

I’ve talked about you already, hon. A few times, actually. So yeah. It’s hard to hide my feelings for you. And if I talk about your sweet little face any more I’m going to get all embarrassed. God, I’m not, like, obsessed with you. Shut up! Don’t embarrass me in front of the whole class!

  1. Eric Andre

I wish I knew why I’m attracted to Eric Andre. I wish I wasn’t attracted to him at all. But here we are. The Eric Andre Show is all about him putting himself and others in as many uncomfortable situations as possible. Maybe I’m attracted to his give-no-cares attitude? Or the bad boy thing? Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Here we are. Ugh.

  1. Kylo Ren

My little emo baby. It’s okay. Nobody understands you. Everyone has a weird relationship with their dad. I am also a fan of high-waisted pants. Let’s get coffee and I’ll be your makeshift therapist. As a woman I’ve already learned that healthy relationships aren’t focused on fixing someone, but I’ll gladly unlearn that lesson for the moodiest boi in the galaxy.

  1. Adam Driver

It’s different, okay? It just is.

  1. Andy Samberg, again

A sixth grade classmate told me he wasn’t at school the previous day because his dog died, and I replied, “I don’t know if I’d be at school if Andy Samberg died.” So yeah. He needs to be included twice.

 

*Everyone on this list is a grown-ass man.