I loved...for a month and a lifetime

If you were to tell me 6 months ago that I found someone I thought would be my forever I would tell you that you were absolutely and irrevocably insane. I would tell you that you were off your rocker and that my personal relationships weren’t a topic for discussion. But, it happened. I don’t quite know when I realized I found someone that I could love for forever but I found him. My relationship with him in totality has spanned three and a half months. A lot of you aren’t even ready to say ‘I love you’ at that point, but it was a feeling you only know if you’ve been in love before.

 

He was kind, sweet, smart, funny, and handsome. We never fought, about anything. We decided to get serious and become officially together a month ago. There was never a day in my world that felt dark, depressing, sad, or negative. I felt like the world outside could end and the sun in my heart would outshine and weather any storm. Then, it happened. The kick to the teeth, the punch to the stomach, the wind was ripped out of my sails.

 

It’s hard to conceive the idea of something so wonderful becoming so tragic. You think things finally are on your end and that there’s no way possible that something this sad could happen. It turns out, it can. Either way, I know I wouldn’t change anything I’d been through for the world. It’s life altering to know that a type of chemistry can exist like that. It creates a hunger, a fire that can’t ever be burned out except by that same person. You crave it, like an addict looking for a high. In the month that we loved he taught me a lot about myself and a lot about what it means to be a partner.  

 

I was taught to love with an open heart, he showed me that it was okay to do that and that not everyone would tear me down. He taught me what it could feel like to have a love that was equal. I finally felt what it was like to have my opinion valued, accepted, respected, and appreciated. He was someone with a heart that made every man I’d ever been with seem impure, dirty, and unworthy. I’d never once had an urge to be unfaithful or to even look at another man the way that I looked at him. We had conversations, not just about the weather and about our day but about life, existentialism, death, love, art, science, and politics. It was a connection that feels devalued by putting it into words. It felt so cruel and unjust to know that one day my other half would be ripped from me.

 

It was the distance. As a college student who travels every four months for work and school maintaining a relationship is hard. It’s even harder when your boyfriend is from another country and here on a work visa that’s extended especially when the idea of him going back home is becoming a reality you can’t change. To phrase it delicately, life goes from being simply beautiful to chaotically complicated. I know he taught me to love and respect myself. He taught me that a man can be emotional and strong. He showed me how to grow and to love and to learn with a newfound appreciation for life. He showed me a fate that we all have and must face someday. He showed me what it could be like to go through every day with a partner. He encouraged my curiosity and questioned my knowledge and life plans but never my judgement or my character. I don’t believe that there’s ever going to be someone that shows me what he has. I never knew love that could be so enlightening and so incredibly soul crushing. I didn’t know someone could make the warmth and brightness of the sun, so hot and beautiful and in their absence make it so dull and cold. I don’t know if we’ll survive the distance but I know the love and lessons he taught me in the span of a month will be with me for a lifetime.