Dear Reader,
Let me first tell you, you are not the first person to feel like they do not create and hold on to their own boundaries, and you won’t be the last.
Learning how to set boundaries and respect your own boundaries are skills we will all forever be learning as we change, our needs change, and our relationships change.
Let me paint a quick picture…
In high school I was not a morning person and was dealing with some undiagnosed mental illnesses so I was easily moody and irritable. I asked my friends to not hug me in the morning as it was far too early for a good mood and human contact. I remember them not always respecting that boundary, but I also do not remember really making it a clear.
In that example we see a few things. The first one is change. I am more so a morning person now as I am not being swamped by 1,000 teenagers at 7:30 A.M., so morning hugs are okay. The next things are the unclear communication of my boundary, the disrespect of the boundary, and the skills we all lacked to fully understand our own and each other’s boundaries.
So first ask yourself a few questions. What are the boundaries I need to set and why? Who are those boundaries for an why? Think it out, write it down, practice with a friend. That is your prep work. Once you know the what, why, and who, you can get into the communication aspect, which can no doubt be scary.
Some tips are:
1. Be clear. This is why your prep work is so important. You want what you say to be exactly what you mean.
2. Be respectful. Aggression gets you no where.
3. Be concise. As my 7th grade English teacher used to say “K.I.S.S.”, Keep It Simple Sweetie. Extra words and sentences are not needed to explain yourself. Get it out in 1-2 paragraphs, then if they ask questions you can go into more detail. You don’t want your message to be lost or make it seem like it is not a big deal.
4. Hold them accountable. Depending on your boundary, if they cross it more than two times they are not being respectful. This is where you remind them politely, “Hey remember when we talked about my boundary the other day? You crossed that boundary the other day by _____ and I did not appreciate it.” If they tell you that you were not clear, ask how you can explain better. If they continue to cross it after you have made yourself clear, it may be a good idea to think about your relationship dynamic.
5. Hold yourself accountable. If you have asked a friend not to call you after midnight unless it is an emergency and they routinely call just because they are bored, do not answer or hang up. People will not always listen right away either because they have to get used to it or they just are not listening, If you stick to your own boundary, it becomes the norm. Now, that friend knows that if they call at 1 A.M., you will not pick up to chit-chat.
Sometimes it can seem rude but setting a boundary and expectations for how people should treat you is never rude. Always approach the conversation with the idea of mutual respect.
This is advice you can use in romantic, platonic, and business relationships and advice I have used in every relationship.
Thanks for reading, take deep breathes, and good luck! Remember, setting and upholding boundaries is a lifelong practice.
YOU GOT THIS!