Within the plethora of damaging Hollywood relationships, the “good-girl-changes-the-bad-boy” premise reigns supreme. It’s a classic romance trope that has captivated audiences for decades and will continue to do so for many more. The list is never-ending: A Walk to Remember, Sixteen Candles, and 10 Things I Hate About You come to mind within a few seconds of contemplation. The enticing cinematic notion of the redemptive romance has become so ingrained within our culture that it has set a precedent for real-life relationships. When a boy teases or hits a girl on the playground, the legitimacy of her fear and anger is dismissed by “Oh, honey, looks like someone’s got a crush on you!” We have been taught to associate abuse with love and violence with passion.
We forgive our cheating partners because our skewed idea of a healthy relationship makes us crave the small amount of satisfaction that accompanies being his “main” girl, one who is better than the rest. We work tirelessly to change his behavior, desperately waiting for him to finally choose us. We continue to hook up with him (even when we know he isn’t actually interested) because we believe that spending enough time together will force him to start to care. We accept his long-term mediocrity because, hey, it’s not the worst it could be, and maybe we’ll never be able to find anything better.
When people decide to show you who they really are, you need to believe them. Stop falling for words and ignoring actions. That scheming frat boy you hooked up with last weekend doesn’t want you to smother him with affection; he doesn’t want to become the guy of your dreams, and it’s unfair of you to try and force that on him. You cannot and should not fight for a relationship if the other half of the equation isn’t invested in its outcome. You can’t fall in love with the person he almost is; that person doesn’t exist and never will.
Here’s what I need you to know: it’s not your fault. You are good enough for anyone. You are valuable and beautiful and smart and kind. The actions of those close to you do not define who you are. You will never be able to change your partner because his behavior has no correlation to your worth as a person. But you need to stop trying to transform the people you love. It isn’t impossible for a person to change, but remember that it will never originate from an external source; change must be a choice, one that is made consciously by the individual in question.
It’s time for you to make a choice as well. Choose happiness.