Did you know that about 20 percent of Bucknellians end up marrying each other? Have you heard the legend that if you kiss someone near the benches that overlook the mountains above Freas Hall during sunset, you’ll end up marrying that person? Maybe not so soon, though, as recent trends have shown that more people are getting married later in life and marriage rates are declining. Are people developing a greater fear of commitment? Is the pursuit of higher education and the desire for a respectable career taking priority over settling down? Bucknell women comment on how changing societal norms give us insight into the current state of marriage and the factors they believe are responsible for current trends.
Education, Independence, the Economy and Changing Social Norms
Based on findings in 2010, the median age for women to marry has increased an average of 3.4 years since 1900. “It’s the older generations that tend to question it more. Their philosophy seems to stand, once you have a good one, why wait? Make it official, get married and never let them go. I think many people now still believe in this philosophy, but still I’d argue that many others respond, what’s the rush?” Kim Combatti said. This change is, in fact, largely due to the changing status of women in society. The fact that most women are securing higher levels of education and a steady career, so marriage is delayed until later in their lives. Over ninety percent of young adults believe that they should finish their college education before marrying. “With women being more educated and more financially secure, it seems that more emotional security comes with that. With all of this security,it seems that more women want to do more with their lives than most women used to,” Emmy Metzler said. The economic downturn, decline housing market, and incredible amounts of student debt that most 20-somethings face are all contributing factors to their decision to delay marriage. Because women’s wages have increased over time, women no longer need to be financially dependent on a man. In fact, 91% of young adults today believe that they should be completely financially independent before they marry and 51% believe that their career should be underway prior to marriage. “Overall, in this day and age marriage isn’t as expected as it used to be, and has definitely resulted in women pursuing the lives they want to in ways that wasn’t always seen as acceptable, or normal in the past,” Metzler added.
Also responsible for this trend is the fact that marriage is no longer a necessary gateway to parenthood and single and unmarried parents are largely accepted by today’s standards. Lack of reliable birth control years ago limited a woman’s ability to create a future apart from motherhood, but with advancing medical technology, women are starting to want an identity apart from being a mother and wife. Combatti also said, “women are not expected to stay home and watch the kids anymore. While some women still do this, others wish to have careers before children. I say, what’s the harm in having both? My mother is a good example. She got married at 26, but didn’t have kids until she was 34. She waited eight years! She got married because she knew who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, but she wasn’t prepared to stop working or give up spending time with friends and going away on couples vacations.”
High Expectations, Low Levels of Commitment
In recent years, the decline in marriage rates have been accompanied by the increase in cohabitation, or a living arrangement in which unmarried couples live together in a way that resembles a marriage. Cohabitation has been linked to rising unemployment rates and economic uncertainty, especially among men, but the casual, “no strings attached” relationships that we see in the media are becoming mainstream. “I really think it’s shows like Sex and the City and even Thirty Rock that make women more comfortable being on their own for a longer time after college. After all, if it’s being portrayed in popular TV as socially acceptable, most people will feel more secure when their lives aren’t revolving around a man,” Caroline Schaeffer said. On the other hand, we’ve also been programmed by popular culture to expect that relationships are always worthwhile, passionate, perfect and come with a guaranteed happy ending. Books throw beat-the-odds love stories at us, movies reflect unhappy single women who sudden have it all when they meet Mr. Right, and we belt out sappy lyrics with the radio at full blast–the media throws us all-or-nothing situations. Our expectations are ridiculously high, but yet, many of us still fear total commitment. Kirsten Fitch said,” Although these are the trends in society and our generation I think people still value marriage and ultimately want the fairytale ending. I think the level of value someone has toward marriage is influenced a lot on parents’ relationship status,” while Schaeffer adds that, “maybe becoming parents at an older age makes it harder for people to adjust from the mentality that they only have to watch out for themselves.” Some people believe that children who result from unplanned pregnancies (to young parents, or people who did not intend on having children) tend to receive less attention, and therefore are forced to grow up quicker, become more independent and in some ways protect themselves in their own future relationships.
Because women are more financially and psychologically independent, women tend to focus on the “soulmate” ideal or finding someone who they can connect to on a higher emotional level rather than someone who can support them. Nowadays, divorce is common, causing many people to view marriage as less of a serious commitment. “This fear of commitment could stem from seeing divorce rates rise. Unlike older generations, people who are unhappy in their marriages feel no need to stay together,” one woman said. Another adds, “In some ways, I think people now see idea of marriage as having a little description down below in fine print reminding them that if it doesn’t work out they can always get divorced. This has become a safety net which has been influenced by the media and changes in the values of society … let’s be honest, no little girl who grew up watching Cinderella or Beauty and the Beast every day after preschool has ever dreamed that one day they will marry Prince Charming and then get divorced. I think marriage is something to be taken seriously and not to be rushed into especially with the trend of divorce and financial problems,” Fitch said.
“We’re just hooking up, grandma; it’s not a big deal…said no one ever.”
Research shows that our generation is experiencing a decline in first dates and a rise in casual “hookups” (a vague term that can mean anything from kissing to sex). People reason that they are too busy to prioritize a long-term relationship at this stage in their life, although that is their end goal. Schaeffer makes the point that “everyone wants to settle down, but no one wants to actively start.” Because most colleges, including Bucknell, have a larger ratio of women to men, the competition leads to quicker sexual encounters, giving men somewhat of an upper hand when it comes to intimacy. “Exploring sexuality and learning techniques from different people [is okay], but people have to be pretty confident in the type of birth control they are using because no one wants a baby from a one time thing,” Combatti said. The integration of men and women into the same dorms, and often, the same floors, also encourages hookup behavior and diminishes traditional dating practice because more people casually “hang out,” often leading to hookups.
What does this mean for us?
Many of us girls have Pinterest boards devoted completely to weddings and all things perfectly romantic, have watched The Notebook more times than we can count on two hands, and want to believe in a true, together forever kind of love. “I think that a trend in developing in our generation is that women tend to forget about the man behind the party. They often dream of the perfect ring, their dream ceremony, the right theme, location, etc. The wedding channel and ‘Say Yes To The Dress’ feed this obsession, but what about the man? Have weddings become so commercialized that we have forgotten as a generation what weddings are supposed to be about? The love between two people?,” Kaitlyn Alvino said. Fitch adds, “Marriage signifies a promise to the other person that you are committed to a lifelong relationship that includes a partnership and united front, constant caring, love and support for one another and mutual respect. Personally, I still believe in marriage and value it–it takes a lot of hard work, sacrifice and compromise; but at the end of the day I think it’s a wonderful thing.”
There’s no reason to worry if you’re not interested in the hookup culture, as studies show that most people desire traditional relationships regardless of their participation, and these dating practices usually make a comeback as people get older. If you’re ready to settle down at a young age, do it with confidence–we applaud you! If not, don’t feel a bit guilty about it! The right path for one person might be totally wrong for you.
Sources:
http://www.census.gov/hhes/socdemo/marriage/data/acs/ElliottetalPAA2012paper.pdf
http://www .pewsocialtrends.org/2013/02/13/love-and-marriage/
http://twentysomethingmarriage.org/other-consequences-of-delayed-marriage/
http://www.prb.org/Articles/2010/usmarriagedecline.aspx
http://www.bucknell.edu/x79729.xml
http://collegeprowler.com/bucknell-university/facilities/facts/
http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/16/health/kerner-hookup-culture
http://www.iwf.org/files/0e6f3afa4c1421150084e5a26a54a64d.pdf