What Your Coffee Order Says About You, By a Barista

By Rebecca Grandahl

How often do you stop to grab a coffee? Whether you’re an every-day or rare consumer, you probably have a favorite or regular drink. Here’s what your order says about you… from the mind of the actual person making it.

Plain, hot, regularly-brewed coffee.

You’re probably an older person. If you like it black, you may not be that emotional. I don’t know how you can down the bitter taste of dead coffee bean souls so easily. You also might be a Dad.

Cold Brew.

You’re the guy at the gym who yells when he squats his normal weight. You were wearing a hat when you ordered this. If you normally ask for your cold brew uncut, are you okay? That is a lot of caffeine.

Iced Coffee.

I never understood iced coffee until I tried it, and now I can’t stop drinking it. You also are probably a young white female. If you drink iced coffee when it’s below freezing outside, you’re probably from New England. You’re also a picky and stubborn person, but you’re still self-aware.

The Latte Macchiato.

You’re not really sure what this is, but it sounds cool. Or, you’re a musician who is taking a break from their usual espresso. This is a weak drink for you.

The Caramel Macchiato.

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Perhaps the most popular drink ever, at least where I work, is this one. You probably like subtle sweetness, or you just want to look sophisticated without being too dedicated to it. You also might just like saying “Macchiato.”

The Frappuccino.

You’re five, or just really annoying. I’m sorry. Of the seven deadly sins, yours is gluttony. You like to consider yourself a person who is “unlike anyone else.”

Berry Refresher.

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When you were in middle school, you wore Abercrombie and American Eagle. Scent is very important to you. You also might just be trying to avoid caffeine- I regret to inform you, however, that refreshers actually still have this.

Any “colored” drink (for example, “pink drink”).

You’re only getting this for your social media post. I actually watched you take the picture. I also saw you throw out the drink after taking only a few sips of it.

Note on the pink drink: When combining a fruity tea base with milk, it will curdle, even if the milk is non-dairy. Just be aware.

Double shot.

 when i see the amount of literature i have to review

You’re in your late 30’s and you work in the financial district. You’re also probably male and in a rush. When growing up, you were introduced to coffee at an earlier age than most people and developed an affinity to the natural, bitter taste.

Americano.

You are either a white female in your late 20’s or a late-middle-aged man. A lot of people respect you because you’re a true professional, as well as a relatively serious and driven person.

Cappuccino.

You’re a very sophisticated person, or at least you think you are. You probably speak three languages, one of which is French. You are also very picky about the foam consistency. If it’s not right, you’ll make the barista redo the entire drink.

Plain Latte.

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You don’t know what to get. If you genuinely enjoy plain lattes, your favorite ice cream flavor is vanilla. You’re relatively popular in your social group, but you don’t come off as a unique person (at least not at first).

Chai Tea Latte.

You’re a female anywhere between the ages of 22-47. You think you are being healthy and unique. When you go grocery shopping, you always look in the organic section and pride yourself on shopping “fair trade.”

Anything "Skinny."

You just announced to all the baristas and everyone in the shop who’s going to hear your order that you’re on a diet. But hey, good job being dedicated!

Anything "Skinny," with whipped cream and extra caramel.

I don’t understand you.

Hot Chocolate.

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You’re a kid, or it’s just really cold outside. You are probably a really nice person, and if you get your hot chocolate with whipped cream, you’re very carefree.

Iced Tea.

You are most likely a young female, possibly even a fitness guru. If you like your tea unsweetened, you’re dedicated to a healthier lifestyle.

Decaf.

You probably get anxiety drinking coffee and just like the taste. You’re someone who sticks to their own beliefs firmly and doesn’t let others easily sway them.

Flat White.

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You’re down-to-earth and love the basics. You actually might understand coffee, so congratulations! Bonus points if you know what type of milk this drink typically comes with.

Hot Tea.

You are probably an older woman, or you’re just sick. You’re generally healthy and down-to-earth. You consider yourself to be drawn to the outdoors and love going on hikes.

Of course, at the end of the day, we are all our own people and stereotypes are rarely fun. Whatever drink you choose, enjoy it!

 

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