There’s often a scene in a TV show when a fictional man looks directly into the camera (or, more accurately, directly into your soul) and you think: Ok, he’s definitely not great… but I could fix him! Or worse, He would treat me differently.
We have collectively decided that if a man is attractive enough, emotionally complicated enough, and has a jawline, his red flags become tinged with bright green.
On television, this can work. But in real life? All of your friends would scream at you to block the same guys you spend your show-watching time idolizing. So, I decided to conduct the most important scientific study of our generation: What would actually happen if you dated the fictional men we’ve spent years calling our “boyfriends”?Â
Would he answer your texts? Would he respect your boundaries? Would you like going to CVS with him? Could you have an argument that’s even slightly productive and not one-sided? And most importantly: Would dating him actually be good for you?
JJ MAYBANK: The Boyfriend Who Turns Errands Into Criminal Investigations
Dating JJ (Outer Banks) would be less like having a boyfriend and more like joining a fun cult.
JJ’s biggest problem as a boyfriend is that he would make every single thing an adventure, including things that absolutely do not need to be adventures. You don’t go swimming; you “find a spot.” You don’t go to a party; you “know a guy.” You don’t take an Uber; you “have another option.” Initially, this would be incredible. JJ would make your life feel like a movie. He’d drag you out of your comfort zone, make you laugh when you were trying not to, and turn an otherwise boring night into something you’d never forget.
The problem is that JJ Maybank doesn’t understand the concept of a boring night. Sometimes, you don’t want an adventure. Sometimes you want to eat a pint of Halo Top in sweatpants and complain about your professor. You would say, “Can we please just stay home tonight?” JJ would look confused. Five minutes later, you’re on a boat. Dating JJ would be thrilling, but it would also be exhausting. You would have incredible stories and absolutely no idea where your boyfriend is.
TV boyfriend: Yes. Actual boyfriend: I would like to know where we’re going before we get on said boat.
EDWARD CULLEN: The Boyfriend Who Has Literally Never Heard of Personal Space
Edward Cullen (Twilight) is a supernatural surveillance system with cheekbones.
Privacy would be non-existent in this relationship because you can’t have a private thought; Edward can read your mind. You can’t wonder whether he likes your outfit, you can’t panic about saying something embarrassing, and you certainly cannot think about another man without immediately triggering a fight.
The upside is that Edward would be extraordinarily attentive. Also, you literally would not be allowed to overthink (a restriction many of us need). The downside is that he thinks watching you sleep is normal. There’s no boyfriend handbook that covers “My boyfriend stood outside my bedroom window for several hours because he wanted to make sure I was safe” (maybe try Reddit, though). At some point, you would have to establish a boundary.
TV boyfriend: Romantic. Actual boyfriend: Please stop monitoring my REM cycle.
JESS MARIANO: The Boyfriend Who Makes You Do All the Reading
Jess’ (Gilmore Girls) chaos is legendary, and if you like communication, say goodbye now. He would say something sarcastic, and while you wondered if he was flirting, he would walk away. You would analyze it for three hours and eventually decide he was flirting for your own well-being.
He would text you: “u coming to Luke’s?” and you would spend hours decoding his cryptic message. Jess would be sitting at Luke’s eating fries, completely unaware that a federal investigation into his texting habits is underway.Â
TV boyfriend: Absolutely. Actual boyfriend: I need consistent verbal communication, not a literary scavenger hunt.
DRACO MALFOY: You Have Accidentally Married Into a Family From Hell
Dating Draco (Harry Potter) would be less “enemies to lovers” and more “why on earth is your family like this?” Because Draco doesn’t come alone.
He comes with an enormous house, 700 years of family history, a father who has never felt joy outside of hurting people, and enough generational wealth to make BU’s financial aid office employees cry. Your first date would probably be awful because when you suggest a coffee shop, he would look confused. He seems offended, and you eventually realize that Draco’s entire personality is partially the result of growing up in a family where saying “please” qualified as emotional vulnerability and weakness.
You could tell him anything, and somehow, the next day, the problem would mysteriously be solved. Whether your professor’s being unfair, someone is bothering you, or your car won’t start, Draco would handle it.
TV boyfriend: Fascinating. Actual boyfriend: I don’t want to attend Thanksgiving at Malfoy Manor.
Keep your fictional boyfriends on the screen, where their red flags come with background music and a next episode button.
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