I haven’t been single in three years. For most of my friends at BU, the opposite is true – or, they’re in some variation of a hookup-verging-on-relationship with a nice-ish guy they met online. Of course, for every good egg on Tinder, there’s at least two or three larger casualties who preceded him. So, I decided to listen to my friends’ most horrific Tinder stories and give my perspective as a taken woman (who, frankly, hasn’t been single since before Tinder was a thing).
For the purposes of this article, I’ll be ranking the guys from 0 to 5 on the following scale, then taking the average of the three scores to determine their Boyfriend Material:
Tact: It’s not a matter of if he came on too strong, but just how strong he came on. Also, can he form a coherent sentence? (Probably not, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt here.)
Basic Human Decency: Gentlemen, if you take one lesson from this article, let it be this: there is a fine line between being a total jerk and being so “nice” it verges on serial killer territory. Balance is *key.*
Overall Boyfriend Appeal: The real question is, “Would I be okay if I had to go on a double-date with this guy?” But, since the answer is most likely no (since I am a raging introvert and double-dates give me anxiety), let’s say, “Would I be disappointed if I never heard my friend talk about him again?” The closer the answer is to “yes,” the more points for awkward Tinder guy.
1. The Mama’s Boy
“I met this dude on Tinder (how all great stories start), so we go on one date. Chill. Then he picks me up for our second one and we’re walking and talking… we get sushi and I’m like ‘This dude is [actually] nice.’ Then as we proceed to walk to the movie theater he’s like, ‘Do you mind if I call my mom really quickly?’ and I say, ‘Yeah, no problem’ [because] what if there’s an emergency or something? You never know. (Background: I knew he still lived at home with his parents because he commutes to college.) He proceeds to tell his mom he just got off work and he’s walking to his car right now. Then he asks ‘Is it cool if I see a movie right now?’ [His] mom says something. [He says] ‘Yeah, I’m just going with John.’ He continues to repeatedly reassure his mom that he is, in fact, going with his ‘friend John’ and continues to ask to see a movie… I swear, [it’s like] we’re in freshman year of high school [again]. After he hangs up, he tries to cover it by saying ‘I always tell my parents I’m hanging with my friend John, so that’s why I said that.’ Long story short: I will not be seeing him again.”
Tact: 2/5. Nothing says “I’m embarrassed to go out with you” like lying to your momma.
Basic Human Decency: 3/5. The poor shmuck didn’t seem like he was purposefully trying to do my friend any harm – but even so, you should never make a girl feel guilty for going out with you. If she thinks it’s her fault you’re lying to your mom, let’s face it: you’re never getting that third date.
Overall Boyfriend Appeal: 3/5. From what I gathered, he didn’t seem like a total jerk. Just clueless. With a bit of training from an ambitious woman (other than my friend, I mean), I have hope that he could still be whipped into some serious Boyfriend Material.
Total Boyfriend Material: 2.7/5
2. The Facebook Stalker
“So my friend set up a J-Swipe account for me because she found her boyfriend off of J-Swipe somehow and is a firm believer in the fact that I need a boyfriend. And so she sets up this account for me and swipes a bunch of dudes (because I’m not about to). She swiped on all these random people I would never swipe on… and this one random dude swipes back right away… And so she messages him back ‘Hi.’ First issue, he superliked me, and that feature is definitely for creeps. I guess he said something boring so she didn’t respond – and later that day HE FRIENDS ME ON FACEBOOK [and] messages me on Facebook messenger. He sent me all these messages like ‘What are you doing right now?’ and I didn’t respond, and he kept messaging me. Eventually, he kept asking me to hang out and it was weird and I was clicking on it so he could see if I read it and purposefully didn’t answer. He asked me where I lived (that was so weird). And then he said ‘We can’t text if it’s easier for you’ and he SENDS ME HIS PHONE NUMBER?! But what really ended up happening was that I googled if you could block someone and then I blocked him. Needless to say, I texted my friend and said “I do NOT think this one is boyfriend material.”
Tact: 1/5. Seriously, dude – take a hint already.
Basic Human Decency: 2/5. Whatever happened to the fundamental right to human privacy? Didn’t this guy read the Constitution in high school?
Overall Boyfriend Appeal: 1/5. I might be able to stand one double-date with him, but you know the guy who can’t take a hint is always the same one who cries when your friend “breaks up with him” after a week of texting.
Total Boyfriend Material: 1.3/5
3. The Foot Fetish
“[One guy] sent me a GIF of some guy sucking on a girl’s dirty, nasty feet. I was like, ‘I don’t know how to respond,’ and he said, ‘I want to do this to you.’ I was like, ‘I don’t think so,’ and he said, ‘Even if I paid you?’ I said, ‘Even if you paid me,’ and he said, ‘What if I give you $200?’ … I said no and then he unmatched me.”
Tact: 0/5. I wouldn’t know how to respond to that, either, quite frankly… maybe with a screencap of Spongebob’s rotting toenails?
Basic Human Decency: -5/5. You don’t just ask a girl to prostitute herself on the first date. I mean, at least buy her a pizza and give her some time to call the cops first.
Overall Boyfriend Appeal: 0/5. Depends who you ask, I guess — but since prostitution is still illegal in the 50 states and I don’t happen to share this guy’s foot fetish, I can’t think of a single part of this conversation he deserves a point for.
Total Boyfriend Material: -0.6/5