Eldest daughters carry a special weight on their shoulders.
We are the first to go through several experiences, which our parents and younger siblings refer to when making decisions. Our younger siblings come to us for inspiration, and our parents come to us for advice. We develop a sense of responsibility at early stages of our lives, and people around us look up to us. This is a privilege, but if not handled well, it can also become a source of anxiety and lack of self-esteem.
As the eldest daughter in my family, I developed a strong sense of responsibility and care towards my younger sister. I have always worried about her well-being and tried to inspire her to be the best version of herself. I felt somewhat responsible for her welfare and success, and felt frustrated whenever she was going through a difficult time. This is rooted in the love I have for her, but at times it makes me feel extremely stressed and anxious when I strive for perfection.
After I noticed several destructive patterns in my behavior, such as chronic anxiety and obsessive perfectionism, I came across the term “Eldest Daughter Syndrome.” Psychologists describe this as eldest daughters being perfectionists, feeling anxious, and having a massive sense of responsibility, according to Charlie Health. As I learned about this, I felt seen and wondered how this phenomenon affected other aspects of my life. I realized that I had risky levels of anxiety and strived to be perfect all the time.
Since I moved to college and have been separated from my younger sister, seeing her grow from a distance has taught me that she does not need me to monitor her actions constantly. She is intelligent and mature; she never really needed my help to be successful. Now, I need to work on myself to overcome the Eldest Daughter Syndrome to achieve my goals in an emotionally safe manner. I have practiced these three tips, which have helped me become a better version of myself while fully embracing my role as an eldest daughter in a healthier way.
- GIVE YOURSELF THE SPACE AND GRACE TO MAKE MISTAKES
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Throughout my high school career, it was very difficult for me to accept my mistakes and learn from them. My pursuit of perfection kept me from acknowledging that I am human and entitled to make mistakes from time to time. I would become extremely frustrated when I did not meet one of my goals, and this contributed to my anxiety.
Navigating college life has taught me that I will make multiple mistakes throughout my life. In the end, it doesn’t matter if I fail; what matters is that I get up every time. My perseverance will define me to a higher extent than my mistakes ever will. This was a powerful realization, and I have learned to leverage it. This has brought me peace of mind, and I often find myself making space to make mistakes and continue to learn.
- TRUST YOURSELF AND THE PROCESS YOU’RE GOING THROUGH
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As a child, I always held the misconception that you always need to know your next steps and your end goal. I always had several plans and was convinced that one of them had to be the right path to finding my purpose. Whenever I had a misstep that diverted me from my end goal, I would get angry (to be honest, I still do sometimes!). However, I have learned that you are allowed to change paths. In fact, you will most likely have to shift plans and strategies to get to the goal and endeavor you are meant to pursue.
As a first-semester sophomore in college, I have already changed my major twice. While making these decisions, I always became impatient with myself and felt angry that the “perfect plan” I had devised in my mind did not work out. Still, my growth mindset is important. As Taylor Swift once said, “If you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow.”
It is okay to change plans and strategies, and you will not fall back by pausing for a moment to rethink what you want to do. As college women, we need to understand that these four years are a space for us to decide what we want to do for the rest of our careers. We are allowed to explore and pave our own way, which is only possible if we give ourselves the room to do so.
- GIVE YOUR YOUNGER SIBLINGS AUTONOMY TO GROW AND LEARN ON THEIR OWN
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As eldest daughters, we will always feel a sense of responsibility towards our younger siblings. We have gone through so much before them: our college applications, our teenage years, our first heartbreaks, and other experiences that make us want to shield them from difficult situations. Nonetheless, we need to remember that we grew from all of those experiences, as unpleasant as they may have been.
In order for our siblings to undergo that same growth, they need to face those experiences on their own. Yes, they should come for advice and comfort, but we need to give them the space they need to explore and learn from the situations they face. This will build their confidence and, by witnessing their mistakes and solutions, we will be able to become a bit less perfectionist. If you allow them to pave their own way, your relationship will also grow stronger.
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These tips have helped me navigate life as an eldest daughter and being okay with not being perfect. In the end, we need to remember that this is our first time living, too. It is okay not to have everything figured out, and our ‘imperfect’ stories can still serve as inspiration and a guidebook for our younger siblings. Throughout our lives, we have strived for perfection to be our younger siblings’ role models.
As we grow and continue to navigate life, we need to step down from that purpose and give ourselves space to find our path.
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