Every spring, along with flowers blooming and birds chirping, Jews everywhere celebrate Passover, a weeklong holiday where we remember being slaves in Egypt and Moses leading us to freedom by not eating leavened bread (although, depending on how seriously you celebrate it, any grain could be off limits). Passover is great because it combines Jewish girls’ favorite things: eating and complaining. I get to complain while I eat which is much better than Yom Kippur where I don’t get to eat and I just complain, or Purim where I just eat and there’s no complaining. That being said, Passover does come with its own set of troubles that every Jewish girl can relate to.
1) Never knowing when it’s going to fall on the Roman Calendar
This is the universal struggle for every single Jew on every single holiday.
2) When your college isn’t predominantly Jewish and the dining hall options are severely limited
At BU, there are literally Jews everywhere, so we have Hillel dining hall. If you go somewhere that isn’t as filled with the Chosen People, you may be out of luck.
3) If you need to cook for yourself and you are trying to scour the grocery store for appropriate Jew food.
I sympathize with my ancestors, they wandered in the desert for 40 years. I’m wandering around Trader Joe’s trying to not be tempted by its breads.
4) When your non-Jewish friends try Matzo and are like “Wait this is good”
Yeah just wait a day and you will change your mind really fast.
5) When you’re supposed to throw out all your chametz but you’re a broke college kid and in no position to be throwing away food.
If I hide it or just like don’t eat it that’s fine too, right? Yeah I’ll just repent for that on Yom Kippur.
6) Gefilte Fish…need I say more?
“Yeah Aunt Ruth, this is really good and totally not saltier than the Dead Sea.”
7) When you’re at the Seder and it’s taking FOREVER for dinner to arrive.
So hungry.
8) Getting judged by other Jews for how strictly you follow the grain rule.
Some people give up chocolate because it’s cocoa beans, and vodka because it came from potatoes. I draw the line at leavened bread. I’ve even rationalized a tortilla before because it was flat and I really wanted Chipotle.
9) Totally thinking you’re gonna lose weight because you aren’t eating bread but we both know that’s a myth.
I don’t know what it is but Passover never ends up being as healthy as I thought it would be. (That’s a lie, I do know what it is, I can find a way to avoid salad no matter the occasion).
10) When your dad has to choose the kid to read for the four children and it’s the biggest deal ever.
Dad, what do you mean I’m the wicked child? Is this because I didn’t really throw out my chametz? Probably.
11) The Four Questions
Most likely you are no longer the youngest child at the Seder, but it’s always a whole ordeal over who is and is not a child and whether or not your three-year-old cousin can be trusted to sing in Hebrew.
12) If your family does multiple Seders and you need to find more than one perfect Passover outfit.
Yeah I know Easter dresses get all the glory, but Passover dresses are important too.
13) When no one has the same version of the Haggadah so you’re flipping around frantically trying to follow along.
Bonus points if the Seder is mostly in Hebrew.
15) Not knowing if you’re too told to try to find the Afikoman
16) Not knowing how much you can bargain for the reward when you do find the Afikomen
Every year my uncle would tell the same story about how when he was younger he wanted a sailboat in exchange for the Afikoman, and his father just broke the Matzo in half again and said, “Now I’ve found the Afikoman,” and he got nothing. It stopped us from getting too crazy with our demands.
17) Not being able to get through a Seder without a lively debate about the correct amount to skip around and put into English.
18) Knowing that regardless of what the Haggadah says, these are the real four questions.
“Met any Nice Jewish Boys?”
“Are you sure you don’t want to switch to Pre-Med?” (Sometimes followed by “Oh, so you’ll go to law school?” “Grad school?”)
“Are you eating enough?”
“Are you sure you haven’t met any nice Jewish Boys?”
Asked by all elderly relatives, and also my little brother.
No matter how many of these problems ring true, just remember that at least you still get to eat those little candied fruit slices, which make everything worth it.