I’ve always been introverted. Growing up, I was an anxious kid who constantly worried about how others perceived me. One of my core childhood memories was being alone during recess in fourth grade. I specifically remember always sitting under the big red slide on the playground. While I was drawing figures in the sand by myself, others were playing dodgeball with their friends on the basketball court.
As I grew older, I constantly envied the popular girls — all talkative, bubbly, and friendly. I couldn’t emulate those traits myself, no matter how hard I tried. I had friends of my own, but to see others surrounded by tons of friends made me feel inadequate. My thoughts were riddled with jealousy and resentment, causing me to view myself in a negative light. I viewed being alone as unacceptable, perhaps as a result of insecurities. I surrounded myself with my friends throughout high school and became dependent on their presence. Loneliness, to me, had negative connotations, as if it was almost abominable to be alone.
It wasn’t until my first year of college that I experienced true loneliness again. I commuted to my local state university while my friends all lived on campus at their prospective colleges. Making friends as a commuter was extremely difficult, especially as an introvert. I spent most of my time in the library or simply skipped class to stay home. I drowned myself in TV shows and social media to occupy my mind. I felt like I was back under that big red slide: alone and unhappy.
Halfway through my first semester of college, something clicked. I realized that I was wasting away in my negativity. I also realized the amount of freedom I had while being alone. I utilized my freedom and started doing the things I’ve always wanted to do but never had the time for in high school. I finally learned how to sell my clothes online, and it was pretty successful. I also started serving at my parent’s restaurant full-time. Interacting with customers helped build up my social skills, which I used when selling clothes as well. My public-speaking skills peaked as I continued to communicate with customers at my job, and I realized that I could be introverted and still be confident when speaking to strangers. I recognized the limits of my social battery and took time for myself when needed. I invested in good books and began journaling. However, unlike before, my alone time became a precious good to me. Loneliness was now something that I looked forward to and valued.
I believe that my change in perspective in regard to being alone is what aided me in adapting to BU. I transferred this year as a sophomore, and while it has been difficult at times, I am surprised that I was able to adjust to a new environment at all.
I know that elementary school me would have cried at the thought of being alone in a new city, but I know now that loneliness doesn’t have to be miserable. the big red slide doesn’t scare me anymore.
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