I hope this touches someone who is going through a similar situation. Once again, I find myself writing about love and break-ups, but this situation is the polar opposite of the previous one.
About two weeks ago, my boyfriend broke up with me for the sixth time. I’m hesitant to say that we were off and on because our breakups seldom lasted longer than a few days — until recently. Fortunately, we’re still friends. But at times the friendship can be emotionally difficult for me.
I never believed in meeting the right people at the wrong time. I always thought that if you loved someone enough and cared enough about them, that you would do anything in your power to make it work. I was wrong.
We catch people at different points in our lives. I am about to graduate college in eight months. He’s entering his second year of college. I have a strong sense of self that I developed through self-reflection, hardships, and growth. He’s still figuring himself out. All of these things are okay.
My boyfriend was the love of my life. His touch warmed my existence. His smile made everything better. I longed for his words of encouragement. We got along great. He was my best friend and my lover.
Strong relationships aren’t without their issues. We argued. We felt as though the other didn’t care. We were sad. We were angry. It wasn’t easy and we reached a point where staying together was becoming toxic. As someone who always believes in trying again and again and again for the sake of true love and happiness, I stayed. Every time. I had faith. I believed that we could make it work despite our issues. And when he left, I always let him come back.
Now that this break up seems to be the final one, my outlook is a little different. I have always said the hardest part about break ups isn’t the break up itself. Meeting new lovers and partners is easy. The hard part is adjusting to life without the person you got so accustomed to. I can’t wake up next to him every day. I can’t bask in his kisses and love. I can’t appreciate his eccentricities that I love so much. I can’t ask him about how his life and daily adventures are going because frankly it isn’t my business anymore. As much as I want to do these things and miss doing these things, I can’t. I mean I could, but I shouldn’t.
And when I tell you this hurts, it hurts. I look at our pictures together and I cry. I read our old messages and I question where we went wrong. Where the “I love you’s” became “Leave me alone’s.” Where our picture perfect relationship went haywire. I vent to my friends, talking repeatedly about how hard this is and how much I hate it.
Don’t get too caught up in any relationship that you forget you’re your own person too. As much as I loved my boyfriend, he became too much of a focal point in my life. Everything became about him and now that he is no longer my partner, I feel incomplete — which makes life without him entirely more difficult than it needs to be.
And as much as I want him back and long for his presence, I have to accept that this is what he wants. I love him. He will always have a special place in my heart, but his heart is not with me. Being broken up with can affect perceptions of yourself and how you view love. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re enough. You’re capable. You’re lovable. Ultimately, the right person won’t leave. The right person will accept everything about you — even the things that may get on their nerves. Writing that hurt my heart because I thought I had the right one. Realizing and accepting that a failed relationship means there is something better out there is a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because you can find happiness and love in someone else. It ‘s a curse because it makes you realize you didn’t have the best, even though you thought you did.
My advice for anyone going through a similar situation would be to look at the break up as an opportunity. An opportunity to meet new people and have new experiences. It’s important to be optimistic in the face of melancholy. I learned a lot about myself with him. I gained friends. I gained invaluable experiences. I’ve seen so many places I didn’t think imaginable. Looking at the positives is essential to moving on. No relationship is the same. I feared at one point that I invested so much time and energy into a person for it to be wasted. I feared his potential new girlfriends would benefit from the lessons learned and that my time with him was useless. My relationship wasn’t a waste of time, but rather something to help in my growing process and his as well.
I am a different person because of my relationship. I am a better person and I’d like to think he is too. We take bits and pieces of the people we interact with. I hold memories with former friends who I haven’t spoken to in years near and dear to my heart. I will hold this relationship near and dear to my heart as I live life without him as my partner. Breaking up is hard, but to move along is even harder.
I will say it has gotten easier. I initially wrote this piece six days post-break up and I am editing it two weeks post-break up and it is definitely easier to process these emotions.
It is easy to miss him and think about the good times we shared, but in order to process a break up, it is important to look at it from all angles — even the negative ones, too. When I get too caught up in the happy times, I have to think about how horrible I felt in the relationship at times. It was an overall good relationship, but I don’t miss feeling unloved and lonely sometimes. Even as friends, there are quirks that remind me of the relationship that make it easier move on.