If you’ve been on the internet in the last couple of months, chances are you’ve seen or heard of the concept of “decentering men.” Now, what could that possibly mean? It seems self-explanatory, but there’s more to it.
It was officially coined in Charlie Taylor’s 2019 book, Decentering Men, and made its way into the zeitgeist more recently. TikTok, infamous for fast-moving information, aided the spread. But part of the beauty of the internet is the power to change meaning and create more nuance.
Decentering men, as Taylor said in a 2021 blog post, is “a practice in which you examine how you organize yourself around the idea of obtaining a man.”
But what does that mean? In a sense, it’s a practice of self-reflection. Men make up half the population, and it is no small feat (especially in the social and political climate of the world) to avoid them. This said, more and more women are fed up. The marriage rate is on a steady decline, with only 47.1% of households headed by married couples in 2024, compared to 78.8% in 1949.
Alright, enough with the statistics. There are too many nuances to get into, and Valentine’s Day just passed. If your partner didn’t treat you well on this celebration of overconsumption… I think you know what to do.
Think. Think about your needs, and weigh them against your wants, wishes, ideals, morals, ethics, etc. The point of decentering men is not to make them any higher priority than you are to yourself.
Feminism has come so far, and has so far to go. Our predecessors fought to give us the ability to stand up to the patriarchy, and decentering men is one stone turned on the path.
There is an unseen pressure on young women to live with men in mind. It’s not a conscious effort, but it makes itself seen in social settings. The key is to get out of the mindset of making decisions with the shadow of the patriarchy over you.
It’s a difficult situation to be in. I, a (mostly) straight woman who is (unfortunately) attracted to men, don’t really want anything to do with them. And that’s been the case for a while! Without the gory details, I’ve had all sorts of experiences, and the conclusion I keep coming to is, “Wow, I can’t wait to live alone.”
It’s not even a disappointing statement for me. I’m excited for that! However, the reality is that people are complex. How I feel is not how you are going to feel. You might be really excited to have a boyfriend and get married someday. You might be extremely content to continue dating. You might even decide to take a break and then pick it back up in later years!
Decentering men isn’t all or nothing. It doesn’t even have to be a huge change to the way you live your life. Really, it’s about prioritizing yourself before letting other people’s issues impact you.
Be realistic about your needs, and know that your window for happiness is infinite.
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