If you are what you eat, it’s safe to assume that you are what you drink, too. In that case, I’m probably 99% Starbucks soy vanilla latte right now… but what about COM? Or CAS? Or ENG? These are the important questions – and I’m here to answer them. Here’s an article about what your college says about your taste in overpriced coffee, aka the perfect boredom buster for when you’re waiting in the mile-long line at the GSU Starbucks. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed my morning latte!
COM: A grande sugar-free vanilla latte with no whip, no foam.
Because I’m a COM student, I feel like I can safely say that we COM girls are pretty high-maintenance. A COM major will argue you to hell and back on everything from how the DNC screwed over Bernie Sanders to our coffee order. So it only makes sense that we’re as quick to point out the unwanted foam on our lattes as we are to assert Caitlin Jenner’s correct gender pronouns.
CAS: A tall hot coffee with cream and sugar.
From liberal arts to sciences, CAS has all the works – hence the cream and sugar. But, let’s face it: you aren’t going to need that much coffee to get you through a psych study session. A tall will last you just long enough to glance at your notes before throwing a Hail Mary and completely winging your CAS midterms.
Questrom: A venti iced coffee, black.
ENG: A treinta cold brew
If you’re in ENG, you already know how much work you’re doing (and how late you stay up doing it), so I won’t bother trying to stress your accomplishments. Instead, I’ll stress the importance of caffeine. If you haven’t been ordering a treinta cold brew before today, now is the time to start putting that stuff in an IV – and start feeling like a fully-functional human.
Sargent: A grande iced coffee with a “splash” of almond milk and stevia.
I really have to give it up to the Sargent students at Starbucks for practicing what they preach: instead of just learning about nutrition, they’re actually listening to the advice! As pretentious as it sounds to ask for a “splash” of almond milk, I can’t help but wonder if trading my venti COM latte for a Sargent grande iced could be the key to those six-pack abs that have eluded me since middle school. Hmm…
CFA: A grande unicorn Frappuccino with extra sprinkles
CFA students like to live life on the edge – which is why they’re probably still trying to order the unicorn Frappuccino months after it was discontinued. Back when the unicorn frappe was mainstream, you’d never catch a CFA major dead ordering one, but now that it’s “so last-season?” You know the creatives in CFA will be all over that recycled hipster trend.
CGS: A double chocolatey chip Frappuccino with extra whip.
You know how you can spot a CGS student in the Starbucks line? They’re the ones who hold up the line by spending 15 minutes deciding what they want to order… at the register. And then, after all of that trouble, they probably just order the same Frappuccino they always do, any ways. (Note the lack of coffee in their order.) If that isn’t a metaphor for CGS, I don’t know what is.
Pardee: A London fog latte with skim milk
As it turns out, I’ve finally found something I disagreed with President Obama on: he wasn’t much of a coffee drinker. Instead, he preferred to order an iced earl grey tea when he stepped into Starbucks. Naturally, Pardee students like to step it up a notch by ordering a London fog instead of classic earl grey – but you know they’ll be ordering it with Michelle Obama-approved skim (and probably muttering “Let’s move” under their breath in line).
SHA: “I’ll have what he’s having, please”
Though it might seem cliché, it doesn’t seem like much of a stretch to assume that the hospitality shown in SHA extends to life outside of SHA as well. A SHA student is the person who says things like “No, you go first” even when the line is a mile long, or “pays it forward” by prepaying for a stranger’s coffee in line. In the immortal words of Damien from Mean Girls (sort of), “You go, SHA. Four lattes for you, SHA.”