I wrote about my unhealthy relationship a few months ago and how it impacted me more than I realized. I am fully recovered from it now and can reflect on my relationships with a level head.
Shortly after I believed I was over my ex, I got a new boyfriend. He was more than good to me. He listened to me, he was attentive, and he cared about me more than I probably deserved. He wasn’t without his flaws, but he sacrificed his emotions for the sake of my own.
I would like to say I was good to him, I would like to say those feelings were reciprocated, but I’d be lying. I loved him. We had been friends for years prior to our relationship and I knew him to be a good, caring person. But I wasn’t good to him. Not as a friend, or a girlfriend.
Of course, it wasn’t always like that. We started very strong. We stayed up for hours on FaceTime talking about everything; we would put pertinent responsibilities on hold to console each other, and wanted nothing but to see the other person be happy. But as he fell deeper in love with me, I couldn’t help but think of how much I wanted what I had had with my ex, with him.
My ex was vile to me. Someone I had no business talking to, but someone I invested so much time into that it didn’t feel fair to leave with nothing. My new boyfriend was so enamored by me and showered me with just as much love as I showered my ex with- it was as though the roles were switched. I was getting the love I thought I wanted and was giving very little in return.
I became the abuser. Although it is a thought I try to ignore, I can’t rightfully deny my new boyfriend his experiences and I can’t tell him how he feels. He felt as though I hurt him, and as I tell so many people when someone decides you hurt them you can’t say you didn’t.
Let me clarify, I didn’t physically abuse my ex, he had his fair share of flaws as well. However, he felt as though all of what he did to me was reactionary based on how I treated him. I gave much thought to that and he was right.
If I didn’t start the shit-show that our relationship became, it wouldn’t have ended the way it did. I emulated the abusive characteristics of my ex (gas-lighting, dismissing serious issues as trivial, victim blaming, etc.) and it brought my new boyfriend nothing but pain.
He wants nothing to do with me now, and rightfully so. He still loves me, but understands our relationship was not good for him or me. I wish him nothing but the best, and hope he reads this. I told him I was writing it and I hope it brings him some closure.
What have I learned from this? Heal first. My best friend advised me to heal before I got into a new relationship because I would cause nothing but harm to anything in my way. I dismissed her as dramatic, but she was absolutely right.