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How I’ve Found Comfort in My Chaos

The beginning of my week is usually so organized and on-track. My life is in sync with the path that the universe has laid out in my world and I’m content; that doesn’t last for long though.

On Monday, I wake up pretty early to see the sunrise because I’m too excited for the day to start and my body can’t stay asleep any longer. I’m extremely productive before 11 AM and manage to go for a run, get ready and actually look presentable, finish some readings, eat breakfast, and make my bed before class. Throughout the day, I’m focused: all I think about is work and school and what to do after work and school, and how to relax after I check of that to-do list. Everything is under control.

Tuesday comes around and my day is a bit more hectic, but I still manage to power through it. I wake up with enough time to get properly ready for class, I get a snack during my one hour break while checking some things off of that day’s to-do list. I go to a meeting or two, I head back home, and I finish off my to-do list. I feel tired but not exhausted.

But then something happens between Tuesday and Wednesday that turns me into an awkward heap of chaotic mess. My alarm doesn’t go off, I barely have enough time to get dressed, I fast walk the best I can to class, and I think too much about the things I need to do and the things I haven’t done. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and the more I try to sharpen my grip on it, the less I actually understand it. I am on-edge and anxious about even being anxious; I am knocked off of the universe’s path.

Thursday, I feel lost. I go with the flow, follow the ghost of my early week routine, but I still have no idea what I need to do or what’s happening. I wear sweats and an old t-shirt with no makeup. I go to class, go to a meeting or two, and go home. I look like a mess because I am a mess and there’s no turning back. And I think about my week and the things that could’ve been done but weren’t; I let it all go.

My first year in college, away from my family and everything familiar, I used to stress myself out over days where it was harder to be in control of life. I would call my parents and just cry about how much of a mess I was. I thought having bad days in the midst of really spectacular ones was dragging me down. In high school, I was so used to having a routine; I went by the book just assumed that things in college would be better or the same at least. That’s far from the truth, and I’m pretty glad that it is.

I’ve learned that my chaos is what gets me out of super boring, extremely repetitive weeks where nothing goes wrong and everything is perfect. Because, in reality, nothing fun or wonderful is ever perfect. And if it was, then I wouldn’t be able to have good conversations with my friends about crazy experience, and I wouldn’t get to appreciate beautiful days because I would have too many of them.

Now, I’m comfortable with occasionally losing control because it forces me to think quick and get creative. And I’m comfortable with being a mess every once in awhile because it allows me to laugh at myself for being so silly about miniscule things later. But, most importantly, I’m comfortable living in an environment that is busy with change and spontaneity; I get to experience my young adult life with excitement and fear and happiness and frustration.

Good or bad, the rollercoaster of emotions I go through weekly is the best thing that I can ever feel in life. I look forward to the sighs I take out of nervousness or bliss, rather than the normal breaths I have on normal days. Days where I’m out all day are much more interesting compared to days completely spent in my room.

 

On Friday, I am ecstatic. I make it through the week feeling alive, ready for a weekend of fun and relaxation. I’m thankful for the craziness and for the monotonous moments that I’ve had. And I’m thankful to be my sometimes calm, sometimes chaotic self.

 

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Noelle Monge is currently a senior in CAS, studying English. She loves earl grey-flavored treats and things that taste like fall, Broad City (#yas), and millennial pink anything. She's a Guam girl living in the always busy, eternally beautiful city of Boston. Hafa Adai all day!
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