It started for me when I was six years old. My then 15-year-old sister joined the Varsity Cheerleading Squad in high school as their new flyer. She would come home from practice and not eat a snack with me and my other sister, and then at dinner, she would refuse to finish everything on her plate even though that was the rule in our house. That’s when I started watching what I was putting into my body.
I hit my lowest point during my junior year of high school. I was sixteen and my other sister was only 20. She grew up as an overweight kid, but by the time she was in college, she was morbidly obese. The summer before my junior year of high school, she went through gastric bypass surgery. I didn’t really think anything of it until I came back from camp, three weeks after her surgery. My aunt had come to wish my sister well in her recovery, and after seeing that she had lost about 25 pounds, she turned to me and said, “I guess you’re going to be the fat one now!” That was the moment my life changed, and I went from having a mild case of body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) to having full on bulimia nervosa.
Although I am a non-purging bulimic (rather than vomit/take laxatives after a binge, I fast or over-exercise), it’s still a psychological disorder that I struggle with everyday. In high school it was much easier; I could just hide with the food in my room, eating in front of my full-length mirror and crying simultaneously. But in college, with a roommate and friends who are always with you, having any form of insecurity is really hard. And it’s especially difficult when it’s a disorder you really don’t want anyone knowing about.
BDD can come about in different ways and can have different symptoms for different people. Obsessing over how you look by always finding yourself looking in the mirror or doing the complete opposite and avoiding mirrors all together are two of the most obvious symptoms of BDD. I actually do both of these. When I am getting ready for class in the morning, I don’t step anywhere near the full-length mirror in my dorm because I know I won’t go to class if I do. But while I am studying, I spend a good 30% of my time pointing out every imperfection in a mirror (or on Photo Booth if I’m not in my room). This disorder can wreak havoc on all other aspects of your life as well, especially your studies, so learning to cope with it is really helpful. Here are a few tips that have worked for me:
First, you may want to talk to a health care professional about it. If you have a severe case, medication may be necessary.
Write in a journal. This is the main way I cope. It doesn’t have to be a legitimate journal; a word document is fine. Getting all your pain, anger, fears, frustrations, and even joyfulness down in writing really helps to cope with everything.
Don’t isolate yourself. I am notorious for doing this. When all my friends go out to dinner or to a party, you will most likely find me watching Netflix in my room alone. I fear going out because I can’t find an outfit that looks decent on me. Even jeans and a sweatshirt look terrible to me. If this is you too, force yourself to do something involving other people everyday. Whether it is watching a television show, attending a study group, or eating one meal in the dining hall with friends, make sure you do something everyday that involves others.
Remind yourself of what makes you happy everyday. On days I don’t do this, I am severely depressed and most likely bingeing at some point during the day. What makes you happy doesn’t have to be physical characteristics of yourself. Some of mine are: playing guitar, watching YouTube Videos, doing my makeup, volunteer work, and smiling. These can be simple or they can be profound, as long as it takes your mind off of your body.
Join a support group. This may be the only thing you need to learn to cope with it. There are plenty that are online and anonymous, so it is very easy to engage in conversation with others dealing with the same thoughts. This also may not work at all, and you may find yourself thinking about it even more. Support groups terrify me because I am a competitive person who will make a competition out of anything. Therefore, I will join a support group, find the person who needs to most help there, and then try to become as bad as he or she is. But it all depends on you and how you think of things.
Body dysmorphic disorder is a serious condition that can lead to an eating disorder or unnecessary plastic surgery if it goes untreated. Student Health Services and the Sargent Choice Nutrition Center are equipped to sit and talk with you if you want to seek medical help. Remember, it doesn’t go away easily; it takes time and patience. I have been dealing with it for almost 10 years now, but it’s a lot better now than it was in junior high and high school. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t get treatment and learn how to deal with both BDD and bulimia properly.
I hope this helps anyone who finds they are wanting to start fresh for the New Year. Now more than ever is the perfect time to change your attitude on life, and most importantly, change your attitude about yourself.