Happy Halloween! It’s the spookiest day of the month outside of getting your midterm grades. As I’m finally old enough to legally partake in Halloween-themed clubbing events, I will be going to sleep at the reasonable hour of 10 pm because it’s a Thursday and I have to work the next day.
Without further ado, I present to you a completely biased but definitive ranking from worst (number 1) to best (number 23) of as many Halloween candies as I could think of.
- Runts
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These are absolutely disgusting. They’re hard and taste like dust, the only reason their memorable is because the banana runt actually tastes like a banana. None of it makes sense, why do these exist?
- Milk Duds
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Milk duds are good in theory, because who doesn’t love chocolate and caramel? Except for the fact that they are just too damn chewy! Even if you eat only one, you’re guaranteed to be chewing into 2020.
- Payday
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This is probably some 65-year-old’s favorite candy, in which case, I apologize. However, there are too many peanuts in this candy bar. Thumbs down.
- Dots
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These have a really weird flavor and texture to them. Their main downfall is that they get stuck in your teeth and are just annoying. Flavor diversity is cool though.
- Tootsie Rolls
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Besides being chocolate flavored, Tootsie rolls have a dance named after them. Their downfall, like dots, is that they get stuck in your teeth. These, however, are less chewy and come in other flavors besides the traditional chocolate.
- Candy Corn
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Candy Corn…the controversial epitome of Halloween. In small doses, candy corn can be kind of delicious…until you eat too much and all of a sudden you feel like absolute trash.
- Milky Way
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Milky Ways are good…but does anyone really look forward to these? It’s like a combination of everyone’s favorites but will always be missing something.
- Almond Joy/Mounds
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These delicious coconut treats are woefully underrated and incredibly timeless. Chocolate and coconut go together SO nicely, never leaving you with the overwhelming flavor of either. They are also not incredibly sweet so you could eat 10 and feel guilty but not disgusting.
- Heath
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The only reason this is ranked SO high is that you can do so much with a Heath bar. Ever had a trifle with heath bars on top? MY GOD. That was my favorite special dessert each year.
- Skittles
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I personally don’t like Skittles; I think they’re way too sweet. However, these are a nice lil snack and figuring out their flavors is fun. Also, a strangely large amount of high school science teachers will use these to demonstrate different concepts so…okay.
- Baby Ruth
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The all-American candy featuring America’s pastime named after one of the baseball greats. How can you go wrong?
- Starbursts
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These delicious little suckers come in so many flavors and are easy to grab and go if you ever want a quick candy fix. Major setback: Sometimes the wrapper gets stuck on the candy and you eat paper.
- Jolly Ranchers
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Hoooo boy do I love Jolly Ranchers. This is the only candy that I will eat without questioning, “What the heck is Blue Raspberry?”
- Twizzlers
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The high-quality strawberry flavor makes up for the negative connotation of it being licorice (as only sociopaths enjoy black licorice). Fun to peel apart and easy to throw at someone.
- M&M’s
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M&M’s really aren’t that special, but something about just popping some in your mouth makes you addicted to the bite-sized chocolate pieces. In addition, as they’ve added new types of M&M’s (outside of the classic peanut), they’ve garnered more respect. If you haven’t had a pretzel M&M, don’t talk to me until you do.
- Nestle Crunch
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I absolutely love Crunch bars, probably because I love chocolate. Crunch bars have wonderful bites of crisp rice, giving you the beautiful “Crunch” sound it’s named for.
- Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
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This is a controversial one that people will say should be higher. Reese’s peanut butter cups are absolutely delicious (especially when frozen); however, they’re boring and the peanut butter always seems…powdery? It doesn’t give the creaminess that I want from peanut butter. If it was closer to Lindt chocolate with peanut butter filling, I’d be sold.
- Twix
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Delicious. Outstanding. Solid crunch, nice layer of caramel without overpowering. How could you not love?
- Snickers
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Snickers is just a Milky Way bar with nuts; I said it. However, this is what ranks it so much higher.
- Butterfinger
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Is there a reason I associate Butterfingers with the Simpsons? Can anyone tell me? Because I am unsure how that happened. Anyways, crispy peanut butter core wrapped in chocolate? We have no choice but to Stan. The only drawback is that it can be incredibly messy at times.
- 3 Musketeers
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3 Musketeers is SO light and fluffy. It’s almost as if you’re eating air, therefore there are no calories and no guilt. End of story.
- Hershey’s Chocolate Bars (Bonus points for cookies and cream)
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These delicious bars are really the jumping point for any other candy bar. Chocolate bars are iconic. Extra points if it’s a cookies and cream bar, because they’re just too good to ignore.
- KitKat
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KitKats have become much more popular since the recent “discovery” of Japan’s incredible flavor inventory of KitKat bars. The US really only has the chocolate, Matcha (green tea), and strawberry flavors which are the basics. My goal is to try all of the flavors and so far, I believe I’ve had maybe 11 different flavors? The diversity! Also, Chance the Rapper was in a really funny KitKat commercial, so it has been legitimized as the #1 candy bar.
You’re entitled to disagree with my rankings, just know that you are likely wrong. And with that, have a safe and ~spooky~ Halloween!
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