We’ve all heard a friend say, or even thought to ourselves, “He’s such a good guy, he opens the door for me and he even pays on dates!” But is that really a good thing? Let’s take a look at chivalry from a feminist perspective.
Those of us interested in men might find ourselves on a date expecting the guy to pay. However, this presents a couple of problems. First of all, it sets up a dynamic where women may feel we owe men something, and he may feel as though he owes us something in return. It also reinforces the traditional idea that women rely on men for money and need to be supported by them. We don’t want to owe him anything, such as our company and time, and we can support ourselves just fine!
This goes for men buying us a drink at the club or bar as well. Even though it is nice to get free drinks, ask yourself, “What am I giving in return?” Even if you don’t sleep with, dance with, or even talk to the guy, are you being objectified as something for him to ogle and entertain? Or is he attempting to exert power over you by buying the drink? If we truly want equality, we must give up these “perks” of being female that set up an uneven dynamic by refusing these advances or taking initiative and offering to do the same for men.
Another aspect of this ‘gentlemanliness’ is men helping women to do jobs like heavy lifting, changing a tire, or even opening a particularly tight jar of jelly. Resorting to a man in your life for these types of jobs is certainly easier, but it is enforcing some limiting and detrimental gender roles. We don’t want to be seen as less strong and less capable than men in general. We can also internalize this habit of asking for help and feeling like we aren’t able to do the tasks, when all it takes is googling ‘how to change a tire’ or hitting the jar on the counter a couple of times. Women need to attempt to do things on their own before seeking the help of a man in order to stop the perpetuation of gender stereotypes.
The same goes for opening the door. If we become used to having men hold the door for us, we eventually feel weaker and less capable. It also takes us back to the stereotype that men are our protectors and guardians—as if we can’t protect ourselves!
It’s fine to let him open the door, pay, and help us out sometimes—as long as it’s reciprocal. Think to yourself, “Is this something that I would do for him, too?” When it goes both ways it is simply being nice to each other, but when the guy does these things exclusively, it creates an inequality and reinforces longstanding ideas and stereotypes about women’s roles. So, next time someone wistfully says, “Is chivalry dead?” answer, “I certainly hope so!”