We are all victims of this mindset: you see someone eating alone at a restaurant and your heart aches for them. You have no knowledge of who they are or what their history is, but the mere fact that they are sitting alone evokes sadness. Why is that? It’s because we have been socialized to think that being alone equates to being lonely, and this has stopped us from being comfortable with our own company. Spending time alone isn’t a bad thing; there are pros and cons, but it can do someone a lot of good once they let go of the unease.
I won’t lie, growing up I was lonely. I didn’t have many friends and my weekends were never jam-packed with plans, so I spent a lot of time alone. I had the typical scenario where my ratio of online friends to real-life friends was quite disproportionate and I found myself ruminating a lot. These are the cons of spending too much time alone. I was spending too much time with someone that others didn’t want to spend time with, and I didn’t feel good about myself at all.
But, as I grew up I met people that took me out of my shell, and I found myself constantly surrounded by my friends — my house was the main hangout place, too. My room — which my lone self was all too familiar with — was illuminated by the presence of others, and I knew that I wasn’t lonely anymore. The experiences of constantly spending time with others were nothing short of life-changing, but they opened my eyes to another perspective: I was lonely until I wasn’t, and then I just wanted to be alone.
I realized that while I felt in good spirits when I was with others, I craved the companionship of just myself and the silence that surrounded me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m familiar with being alone, but I found myself perfectly okay leaving my friends to go home alone, or even opting out of a night in town for a self-care night. I felt that after a long day of stimulation, spending well-needed time alone was the perfect source of rejuvenation and I loved it. I enjoyed the time I spent reflecting on things alone while knowing that I can call someone up if I needed another perspective. With the balance I had between being with others and by myself, I grew to become comfortable with the people around me, but most importantly on my own.
If you allow yourself to let go of the fear of being alone you will realize that you’re never really lonely with the company of yourself. Being alone gives you the opportunity to develop new perspectives and understandings of yourself necessary to function with others -— you need to learn to be comfortable with yourself to be comfortable with the world. But of course, I can’t stress enough how important balance is. Honoré de Balzac defines this quite well with the quote, “solitude is fine but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.” Exploring life on your own is fulfilling in so many ways, but the presence of others can help keep you grounded when you go too far along.
I spend a lot of time alone, but I’m not lonely. It’s taken me a while to understand this, but I’ve found a comfortability in myself that blends into my relationships with others, and we have an understanding of the times I seek solitude over socializing.
Being comfortable with being alone is not loneliness, it’s a step towards happiness.
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