Generally, I like things. That often includes things that a lot of people don’t like. For example, Cheaper by the Dozen 2 may have a 6% score on Rotten Tomatoes, but that’s not going to stop me from laughing with joy during a film starring kings of comedy Steve Martin and Eugene Levy, with an ALL STAR cast of young early 2000’s talent. (Hilary Duff, anyone?)
Apparently, people don’t like Peeps either. I had no idea about this until today, and now I’m thinking about how just two days ago I was walking through CVS dying for a Peep.
This may seem off topic for an ‘80s column—I guess it is in a way. However, I just wanted to establish that it is pretty hard to get me to say I hate things—movies included. It isn’t that I don’t call out things that are wrong with movies I like, because I do. I can recognize the poor parts in even my favorites. Still, in the grand scheme of things, I wouldn’t say that I even “dislike” one tenth of the movies I watch.
That being said, even I have my limits. Therefore, below is a list of my absolute least favorite ‘80s movies.
- The Goonies (1985)
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I’m not looking for hate. I know that a lot of people love this movie. To tell the truth, I thought that I would be one of them. My parents tried to tell my sister and me that we wouldn’t like The Goonies, but we didn’t believe them. We love a lot of movies they don’t like, so we were fully prepared to make this movie a part of our movie night traditions. We had even begged a couple years ago to go to the double feature at the drive-in of The Goonies and Back to the Future (1985).
As a part of our week-long movie festival this past summer, we saved The Goonies for last, as our special premiere viewing. Neither of us had seen it, and I felt like a fraud of an ‘80s film fan.
So, we started the movie on June 26, and we should have seen it as an omen when the DVD stopped working and started playing some strange audio and visual commentary with the cast over it. We were already not enjoying the movie, but we had to give it more of a shot than the first few minutes. Instead of giving up, we rented it.
Big mistake. I can’t say one thing I enjoyed about The Goonies. Halfway through, they never got to the cave that everyone always seems to go on about. It was offensive in so many ways and the female characters got no real role. The storyline was nonsense and not in a fun way. We couldn’t finish it, so we ended up watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989) instead.
I don’t think I can ever go back and finish this movie. It’s honestly such a disappointment to me because I really enjoy some of the actors in other roles (e.g. Kerri Green in Lucas (1986) and Sean Astin in Rudy (1993), Stranger Things (2016- ) and The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-2003), in which he plays my absolute favorite character). Chris Columbus has directed some of my most beloved movies (Adventures in Babysitting (1987), Home Alone (1990), Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001)), and is the writer of Gremlins (1984), so I don’t know what went wrong with the writing here. I hate it.
What to Watch Instead: Any of the other Chris Columbus movies I mentioned above. They all focus on kids adventuring but are actually fun.
- St. Elmo’s Fire (1985)
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This movie, as the kids say, is “trash.” I’m sorry—I have to come right out and say it. The title song, however, is phenomenal. But it really says something about the quality of the film that John Parr, the singer-songwriter behind “St. Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion)” says he wouldn’t have been able to write it if he’d seen the movie first.
Why is mullet-haired Rob Lowe fake playing the saxophone? What’s the point? Why are all of the characters so phenomenally unlikeable? Why is the drama so over the top in every way but also not interesting at all? Why is more than half of the cast of The Breakfast Club (1985) in this and somehow more angsty than they were in high school? I don’t even know what else to say. I have a headache just thinking about this movie, but I think I need to do a full review in the future just to get out all my thoughts.
What to Watch Instead: The Lost Boys (1987). Like St. Elmo’s Fire, this movie is directed by Joel Schumacher. There’s also some saxophone but played by an actual saxophonist. In the main character’s room, there is a poster of Rob Lowe. Some of the same elements of St. Elmo’s Fire, minus its terrible story… plus vampires.
- Risky Business (1983)
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Yes, everyone knows the socks and button-down shirt dance scene, so it’s no question this movie is iconic. But I don’t understand the admiration it gets. There’s nothing fun or special about Risky Business. I’m not invested in whether or not a spoiled-rich legacy student is going to get into Princeton—he’s going to get into Princeton. I’ve read that critics praised it as a satire of the problems of wealthy teens, but I didn’t get that feeling from it at all. It just feels obnoxious to me and like the main character really doesn’t learn anything.
What to Watch Instead: One of Tom Cruise’s other 1983 films, which focuses on teens who are actually struggling: The Outsiders (1983). - Red Dawn (1984)
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This movie is crazy. I was super curious about it before I watched it because it has a great cast. I like every single one of its main actors in one or more other movies, so I didn’t think there was any way I could not like it. The scenery of the film is also beautiful, and what could be more interesting than watching American kids fighting the Soviet Union when the Cold War turns not so cold?
Many things could certainly be more fun, it turns out. I went in thinking that if this was bad (I mean, the premise is super over the top), then it would at least be fun bad. Instead, it just goes between bad bad and depressing bad throughout. SO many characters die in this. I know it’s technically a war movie, but it’s strange given that those who would have wanted to see this movie would have been so young. (It was given the first-ever PG-13 rating.) In addition, I hate the portrayal of its female characters.
What to Watch Instead: War Games (1983). It works from the same Cold War fears as Red Dawn, but does so in a far more interesting way, with a better storyline, and without violence for the sake of violence. Other good options are movies starring any one or any combination of Red Dawn’s actors. Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze are in Dirty Dancing (1987) together. Jennifer Grey and Charlie Sheen are both in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986). Charlie Sheen has a wonderful performance in Lucas (with Kerri Green, of The Goonies). Patrick Swayze and C. Thomas Howell play brothers in The Outsiders. Lea Thompson is fabulous in the Back to the Future films, as is Harry Dean Stanton in Pretty in Pink (1986).
My apologies to anyone I’ve offended with my opinions. If you love one (or all) of these movies, more power to you. This is all in good fun.
It felt great getting all this of my chest. Next week, I promise to return to more things I like. Catch you then!
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